Dawn Taylor|8/15/2022

Transcript

Dawn Taylor 00:09

Hey, hey, hey, you're welcome to The Taylor Talk. Today we have the amazing Kimberley Valerie on the show. She is a true rags to riches story, but her journey was a little different than anyone else's. I mean, like most of us. But her drug of choice, not what you're thinking. Stick around as we dive into this amazing topic, and really get into the nitty-gritty of what got her where she is, what she learned, some warning signs for people maybe going through the same thing. I'm really excited for you to hear this episode, it was a blast to record. And after the show, listen for instructions on where to find a super fun giveaway. Hey, hey, hey, welcome to The Taylor Talk. I am so so honored to be sitting here with the beautiful Kim. And she is a wealth leadership mentor. You already just heard her amazing bio and who she is. So let's dive in. The drug of choice - and no, we're not talking about heroin.

Kimberley Valerie 01:13

It sure feels like it in my veins, though. I don't know. I've never done heroin. Thank you for having me. Yes, my drug of choice. I love this conversation.

Dawn Taylor 01:24

So we're here for hard topics, hard conversations. Tell me a little bit about yourself. Let's dive right in. So we.... in your bio and when we were chatting, your drug of choice was work.

Kimberley Valerie 01:38

Yes. Oh my gosh, I, you know, well, being a high achiever was a label somebody put on me, and then I grabbed it, but I loved achievements. I loved goals. I loved the pr... but I didn't connect all of that to anything destructive. I kind of, one of the phrases I use as I started to get - and I'll go backwards is to share some where it came from - but as I started to get this revelation, and this understanding, it was like, these were my trauma responses. I was fueled by trauma, and I was rewarded by society. And what was happening through the course of 30 years, is all of the accolades, all of the successes, all of the things that, you know, people look to do in their lives, all the things that motivated me, all that kind of stuff... it really was fueled by trauma. And as much as I did not want to acknowledge that. And the weird thing is because society rewards it with, you know, promotions, money, accolades, reputation, adoration, whatever, all that shit, it's, like, it's a positive thing, right? My trauma was not being lived out the way society typically sees it. It was not being lived out in a self destructive - it was self destructive, but it did not appear that way - so I wasn't involved.... And I haven't even had very many toxic relationships with family members, friends, or intimate partners, which is also very bizarre, right? Because usually, this is where you see trauma working itself out. Right?

Dawn Taylor 03:18

You mean you didn't fit in the mold of what a textbook said we should be?

Kimberley Valerie 03:23

Right. And this was the thing. So I lived my life, the majority of my life, with this, I would call it this disbelief. But it was a state of denial, like 100% denial, this is why I call it kind of a drug of choice. Because it was a choice, yes. But there's a denial phase, kind of the intervention, the healing, and then the awakening, kind of is all the different pieces. But of course, you don't see that till after.

Dawn Taylor 03:52

Oh never. We never see it till we're on the other side of it, right?

Kimberley Valerie 03:56

Right.

Dawn Taylor 03:56

Let's start with the trauma. Right? I don't think - I mean, as a trauma specialist, I see this every single day with clients, right - is the trauma responses that people are living in and how that dictates the decisions that they're making, what they're doing, it's like a giant filter over their lives that is affecting them, right? So I know you said you're going to, like, we're going to be vulnerable and dig here. So let's go to your childhood. Where did this all start?

Kimberley Valerie 04:23

So I was, you know, and that's the thing, right? And you kind of roll your eyes, it's like, oh yeah, childhood trauma. But, I mean, the reality is, whatever's going on in your life it starts in childhood, maybe even before, and carries over. So, as cliche as it is, I was born to a very young mom, I'm a twin, so we were her firstborn. She was 18 - 18 when she got pregnant, 19. By the time she was 22, I think there was 5 of us. And so we were born into an environment, and I was born, my siblings and I, all of us, were born into a very chaotic unstable home life to parents who were not prepared in any way, shape, or form to provide structure, security, stability, all that kind of stuff. So our beginning was very chaotic. We moved a lot. There was lots of addictions with my parents, domestic abuse, just all of that kind of feel, if you will, right? And I still, we still kind of say to my mom, every now and then, like, how did you move so much? Moving is expensive, and there was five of us, and we were poor. We were poor, dirt poor. Nobody worked, right? They all just lived off welfare back then, or whatever scam they could, you know, all that kind of stuff. But we moved a lot. So we didn't have a lot of stability. And then my mom... my father left, of course, that relationship didn't last long. And then my mom remarried. And the fellow she remarried was alcoholic as well, but what happened is my mom ended up leaving us, so five of us, well, four of us because one of our - one of my siblings was actually given away for adoption, like, you would give a kitten to a neighbor.

Dawn Taylor 06:05

Oh, wow.

Kimberley Valerie 06:06

Yeah. Like....

Dawn Taylor 06:08

Because there's a whole different level of trauma, because there's fear of abandonment and rejection, and what if we're the next one?

Kimberley Valerie 06:15

There's, yeah, so there's five of us and then there's four. Then my mom leaves, she's, you know, she's struggling with all of her own shit, right? She has a father that died when she was young, yada, yada, she has her own story. She's struggling with addiction. She leaves and leaves us with my stepfather who, of course, now one of my siblings is his child. Okay, so he stays to take care of this little group of kids, little litter of kittens, but he's heartbroken because he's loved my mom, and he's an alcoholic, but he does have a job. So he spends his days working and his nights drinking because his wife left him with this, you know, gang or litter of kids. And he's heartbroken and he's, again, his own shit, right? And leaving the four of us to our own, yeah... Anyway, my sister, my younger sister she has, like, PTSD from our childhood, just from the siblings and having no parents. I say that kind of tongue in cheek, but it is very serious. Anyway. So my mom returns about a year later. Now I'm about 12. My mom returns and when she returns, my stepfather leaves and my mom takes her rightful place as matriarch of the family. Now remember, you know, she's been kind of gone, both emotionally and physically, for quite some time. She shows back up and she brings this guy with her. And I'm 12 and I've been the mom. I've been, this is my gang now, these are my kids, right? And so she shows up and tries to exert her authority and right in the castle, and, of course, I'm 12/13 - well, I was 12 - and her boyfriend doesn't like me. And he... well, first he wants me to drug deal for him. I tell him to go pound sand, you know, there's all.... then he tries to make some sexual advances at me, I get a little physical with him, I tried to tell my mom, she doesn't believe any of it, you know, this relationship between him and I became very strained. The relationship between my mother and I was strained. And one night, in the middle of the night while I was sleeping - and this is a bit of a kind of trigger warning for anybody that's listening, because it is very graphic what I'm about to share, and I do share the graphics of it for a reason - so in the middle of the night, I was dead asleep with my sister and my brother. Now there was only three of us remained in my family home, because my other brother was a juvenile delinquent and was now in, you know, a youth detention center. So there's three of us were being in the home. And in the middle of the night, my mom's boyfriend, my mom and him had come back home, they had both been intoxicated, he dragged me out of bed in the middle of the night and beat me almost to death. And my sister and my brother were in the bedroom. My brother was trying to keep my sister quiet, so that... because she's younger, right, the one sister that was raised with us, she's five years younger. My mom was in the kitchen. The only two things that I remember.... so the piece about my brother keeping my sister quiet, that was what my siblings told me. I don't have any recollection of that. I had suffered severe head injuries so I was in a coma. My mother, after the fact, was the one to tell me that she saved my life by calling an ambulance. That's what actually saved my life in that moment. And so, as you can imagine, so I'm 13 years old, I have suffered severe head injuries from a severe beating, of course they're not gonna let me back home, right? Authorities, called them in the hospital... but they don't take my sister or my brother away, go figure. Just me.

Dawn Taylor 09:39

Gotta love the system.

Kimberley Valerie 09:40

Nobody goes to jail. Nobody gets charged. They just take me and put me in foster care. And that's really where, kind of, the heart of the trauma starts being born in an extremely chaotic environment, but the actual trauma of being dragged out of my sleep in the middle of the night, and then, of course, badly beaten. And my mum is still alive, she's 72 or something, she has dementia. And it was just a few weeks ago, I had asked her, I said, 'Mom' - because I've asked her this over the years, you know - 'what was your, what was going on for you when you're watching Bob, the guy, - sorry I shouldn't say, well it doesn't matter, I call him the monster - while you're watching him beat me up, like what? What was going through your mind?' And she said, 'Honestly, Kimberley, from the moment I brought him home, I knew he was going to kill you one day.' And she says this still in her 70s with dementia. And remember, she said that that's why she feels she saved my life that day. So do you see the perspective difference? She's thinking she saved my life. Because she said 'I knew in my gut that he was going to kill you'. And he did murder our neighbor, and went on to murder an old lady, like, he is a monster, like, hands down. So that's, you know, that's the kind of big trauma. So connecting that to my drug of choice, right? And so, that's my big T, that's one of the big Ts.... there's many things....

Dawn Taylor 11:01

I was gonna say, when we, when we're raised with a childhood like that, I love - you and I both, like we've chatted before - when you have the level of trauma that some of us have had in our lives, we glaze things. Like we talk through things in the funniest way, like, 'oh, and then this happened, and then this happened'. And it's like, because it's so normal for us.

Kimberley Valerie 11:26

Yeah, but people were like *gasp*, and so I have come to now say 'I'm gonna, this is going to be a bit of a trigger warning, because I'm gonna get graphic about what happened'. And I don't do it for theatrics. I do it so that people really see or feel the context of what life was like. And even from my mom's perspective, right? Like, these are decisions that she has to live with her entire life. You know, I have to deal with the results of it. But she has to deal with the fact that she was responsible for us. And these are choices she made. And that, to me, you know, when I had my forgiveness moment with my mom in my 20s, like true true forgiveness, that's what probably broke my heart most. Right? I, you know, I have all my own shit to go through because of the result of these choices. But as a mother, she has to live with that. And so that's her ghost, right? Anyway.

Dawn Taylor 12:21

Can I just say, though, really quick - congrats on having that moment, and being able to see that perspective. Because that is one of the most powerful things ever when you've gone through trauma, is to be able to see the perspective of the other characters in the play.

Kimberley Valerie 12:35

Isn't that the truth, though? I still remember like it was yesterday. You know, the forgiveness and being able and that feeling in me, because up until that point in my 20s I was always mad at her for not being the mom that she should have been. Right?

Dawn Taylor 12:52

That you needed.

Kimberley Valerie 12:53

Right? Yeah, like even in the basics. Nevermind, you know, all the other, you know, all the other ways that glamorized what having a mom, you know, my best friend's mom, right? Like, she's the perfect mom cooking in the kitchen, whatever that was when I was a kid, you know, those things. Whatever my mom wasn't, you know, my girlfriend's mom was, and that's what I thought a mom should be, all those things. So anyway, the point being is so then I'm in care, foster care, and it's about a year in or whatever, and we go to court because you have to go to court every so often. This was my first hit. This is described as my first hit. Okay, so I'm in the courthouse, in the courtroom, and my social worker says to the judge, 'Oh, you know, this is Kim, whatever, blah, blah, blah, and look at her report card. She's such a great student, everybody, all the teachers'... she started going on about me to the judge. And I remember standing there awkward, like feeling really awkward, like, what are you doing? And because remember, my whole experience up till this time... and I also had a teenage experience right before I was beaten up, where, so part of my ethnic culture, I'm part Native Indian, and I lived on reserve, and there was a group of Native girls, teens, who physically looked Native, whereas I never did, I was always blond hair / blue eyed. They beat the shit out of me. So, like, probably maybe six months before the actual big... So I have these, I've had these experiences that I don't belong, you know, both with my family and my peers, and, you know, I don't want any attention on me because it has never been good. And so I'm standing in the courtroom feeling all, like, weird and awkward. And I say to my social worker, why are you saying that? Like kind of like, why are you saying that? And he says because the judge never, very rarely, does the judge get to see good things in the system. So then the judge starts commenting, right, giving me accolades, and then I remember literally feeling proud. Somebody in my life finally is acknowledging me for good things.

Dawn Taylor 13:15

They're seeing you.

Kimberley Valerie 13:27

Mmmhmm, and that's when the first hit. That was my first hit. Really, right? And so it started to climb from there. And the interesting thing was, is by the time I was 17, in grade 12, I was the most popular person at school. People, right? It was like, the more I was great at school and great socially, the more people attracted to me, and it was like, 'Oh, she's doing well,' it got associated with doing well. So even though I had ABC or come from XYZ, she's doing well.

Dawn Taylor 15:31

I was gonna say from zero to 14 was hell. But man, can I get an A plus on a report card.

Kimberley Valerie 15:38

Well, right. And so this became, and this just really followed me. Not - I wouldn't say deliberately or intentionally, because I had some crashes and burns as a young adult, you know, 17/18, and things like that - but I had that, like, I'm going to do that next thing that people don't think I can do, or I'm going to do that thing that's maybe... I mean, my first job as a young adult was at a bank. I mean, I came from places, my mom ripped off banks, right? So for me to work in a bank, I was like, 'This is prestigious'. And so this became, this became the MO. And it just... one thing after another.

Dawn Taylor 16:16

So with that drug of choice, because we are so raised this way... there's... but it's productive in all areas, right? So you have these, you have people on social media where it's like, 'Oh, I got a like, oh, I got a comment, oh, okay I'm good, my numbers, my whatever', right? Like, it's those hits.

Kimberley Valerie 16:36

Yeah, it literally is like an addiction, it's a little dopamine hit.

Dawn Taylor 16:40

It totally is. It's this wild dopamine hit. Oh, you lost weight. Oh, okay, now you have more worth, Oh, you did this, now you have more worth. Oh, you got a promotion, oh we're gonna celebrate you. Not for being an amazing human, not for volunteering or donating or just being a good person...

Kimberley Valerie 16:59

Just being, just because....

Dawn Taylor 17:01

Just being... just being alive.

Kimberley Valerie 17:02

Just because you're human being, yeah.

Dawn Taylor 17:05

Right? And you've survived up until now. But it's, we're so attached to that. So when society is celebrating that so hard, and you're pushing so hard, so you went on to be a social worker, you went on to get all kinds of schooling and degrees and all these things?

Kimberley Valerie 17:21

Well, I was just gonna say, you know, I got married, and my husband had three kids, I had one, I got married. And I tackled our family like a business, my husband and I did, right? I mean, we have four kids, blended family, everybody's bringing their trauma into it. Everybody's got stuff - abandonment, all that, some of us are aware of it, you know, it's just a kind of mess. I spent 10 years committed to my family, and doing, you know, him and I sorting out who's gonna take care of what, while he was blazing his trail in his business, he took the financial burden on, right? Working 90/100 hours a week. I mean we were broke, we were broke as fuck, like, my daughter to this day at 36 is stuck in a money story from a situation we had when she was eight. Like, we were broke, broke, broke. I know, I have paid for her therapy on it, too, just so you know, because I caused it. But anyway, the point being is that I attack that. So for 10 years, I just immersed myself in motherhood, and being a great leader in our home, and working through my shit, because as we all know, kids bring up all of our traumas and triggers. That's where myself, that's where my personal growth started. Because you're forced to, at least I felt compelled to, react to this monster that was erupting in me because of my children's behavior. Like if they weren't behaving, or if their behavior triggered me, then I was like, 'Why am I behaving' you know. And so that's where my personal growth really started. And then by the time they became teens, preteens kind of, my son - his biological father passed away unexpectedly when he was very young - and so he started to go spend summers away with his dad's side of the family. My daughters were now preteen so they had their own life, and I found myself with no time, like, all kinds of time, and nothing to do because my.... and so this is when I went into social work. This is when I started to now jump into the field. I came from a place of trauma, I came from a social worker that helped me, this totally aligned. And this is really where the amazing, or the power of your subconscious, and the power of conditioning, creating the filter for which you view the world... this just blows me away. So I go into social work school, but I'm like, I'm not going to work in child welfare. No way, right? I grew up in that, I'm not working in it. But you have to do a stint in there as a student, at least back then, because a lot of the populations that you end up working with as a social worker, end up having some kind of interaction, quite likely with a government agency. So I go into this student practicum for six weeks. Dawn, it fits me like a glove. It is like I was born for the job. The bosses are like, 'Wow, you're a student? You belong here. We have a spot for you.' You see? This hit, bingo, right? You belong here. Look at how good you are. But the funny thing is, I felt it. I was like, I am fucking good at this. And I excelled in that environment for 15 years. I got promotions, I got accolades, I got reputation, I had great work relationships with colleagues, it was the time of my life. I felt unstoppable. Right? And people would be, like, you're really, you manage the stress well. Like they're associating, they don't see this destructive, externally destructive thing, so that in all of that there's something on the inside of me. Through all of these years, there's something on the inside of me, I would just, I used to run all the time. I am not, I do not have - for those that can't see me - I do not have a runner's body, quote/unquote. I mean, I know yes, we all do, because we all run. But I'm not, like, designed for running. I am designed for weightlifting, I am short and strong. And I used to run, I used to run all the time. And people would say, like, why - and I'm not even good at it, like I don't do it fast or anything like that - and people would say, 'Why do you run?' And this would be my answer - and as a trauma therapist, you'll get this right away - my answer, in my denial phase, of course, was 'it would be the only way I could actually remove the built up physiological energy that builds in me in a day'. That would be the only way that I could get rid of that. No matter that I was, you know, working full time, raising kids, doing all those other things, owning businesses, I still had to run in order to feel-

Dawn Taylor 21:52

- is it safe to say safe in your own head?

Kimberley Valerie 21:55

But I didn't know it was that. It was an order to sleep at night. But what I came to resolve... so right, so I still remember telling people that: 'Oh, I run because of the physiological energy that builds up in me in a day, it's the only way to spend it'.

Dawn Taylor 22:09

I need the release.

Kimberley Valerie 22:10

Yes.

Dawn Taylor 22:11

It's the only way for me to get that physical release. I hear it all the time.

Kimberley Valerie 22:14

Right. This is a trauma response. But I couldn't, I didn't know this. I lived in trauma, I worked in trauma, I was trauma informed, I had forgiven my mother, I was in relationship with all my family members, I was financially successful, relationally successful. Why would I think that I'm struggling with trauma or unmet needs?

Dawn Taylor 22:36

Okay, so here's where I'm gonna pause you. People listening to this, pay attention to this. It's not just the person with the eating disorder, it's not just the person who's attempting suicide, it's not just the person who's the closet alcoholic. It's not something that you can easily see from the outside. And the most trauma-informed people on the planet have no idea what is going on half the time with this. The trauma responses we have in our day to day life are so much bigger than we realize.

Kimberley Valerie 23:05

Like, and so when you said the word safe before - you said I ran to feel safe - this is the thing even now, today, many years later, the word safe to me does not.... I have no connection to the word feeling safe or unsafe. And I think that, for me, was where my denial was, I didn't connect with that word. I grew up in an environment that was constantly unsafe, but it became my normal. So I always felt safe.

Dawn Taylor 23:34

Oh, 100%.

Kimberley Valerie 23:34

Even though I experienced unsafe moments, I still had... this became my level of, my nervous system kind of adjusted its, like, alerts, right? Oh danger, danger. It was numb to it. So I didn't, I couldn't... I mean, I could sit in a room with gang members, and I'm taking their children, and they're threatening to kill me and I did not ever feel like I was in danger. You know what I mean? And I was just talking to my girlfriend yesterday about this. I said, that should be a clue that something's off. Like red flag. Like if I'm not feeling a sense of danger. So this was the discovery for me. So I'm in a place of denial, I'm coming up 50, I have it all basically, by the world standards, and even my own by then, right? I'm highly educated, very successful, I own a couple businesses. I've left now my career as a social worker. We're moving into the entrepreneurial space, my husband's been an entrepreneur our entire life. We travel when we want, where we want. I got, I think at that point, I have five grandchildren, like, I mean...

Dawn Taylor 24:43

You're killing it.

Kimberley Valerie 24:44

Yeah, right?

Dawn Taylor 24:45

In the views of anybody and everybody around you, you are killing it.

Kimberley Valerie 24:49

And all the while people like, you know, my bestie, a few, you know, hippies would say to me, like, you really should try meditation, and I'd be like, 'Yeah, fuck you'. I'd be like.... right? I don't understand what sitting still has to do with anything. I don't understand. And, you know, oh my gosh, its just so adorable when we're in the denial phase in some ways, right?

Dawn Taylor 24:50

It's my favorite. I see it every day, right? It's like, 'Oh, you're so cute. Just wait till you have your eye opening moment.'

Kimberley Valerie 25:18

Okay, so then I'm 50, something's off, I'm not feeling well, yada, yada, yada. I go - series of events with doctors naturopath, because I'm not really a western medicine kind of girl - and we find out that I have breast cancer. And so at 50 years old, I get diagnosed with breast cancer. And that fucking laid me up. Because now I, like, physically couldn't actually... I was training for an Ironman, running two businesses, traveling, I couldn't do any of it. Everything had to be... I had to, I mean, I spent 15 years in crisis management, so, you know, figuring out how to handle all those things was fine, but the fact that I couldn't actually do them was the problem. Because.

Dawn Taylor 25:57

So getting diagnosed with the cancer, having that moment, getting knocked on your ass, all of those pieces, where did your head go in that?

Kimberley Valerie 26:05

You know? At first, it wasn't a why me? I've never really got to like, 'Oh my God, why me?' I was like....

Dawn Taylor 26:13

Well, you're not a victim.

Kimberley Valerie 26:14

Yeah, no. I can't be a victim.

Dawn Taylor 26:17

Well, no, that's like - and that's the thing a lot of people don't realize, is in that hyper level of control, to manage and handle your mental headspace when you've had that level of trauma, a lot of people, it's like a giant FUCK NO to being a victim, like they will not. Which is one of the reasons why it's so hard to slow down when we get sick, or stay down when those things happen, because there's almost like a transactional love aspect to it of, like, but I have to perform. I have to show up, I have to work this hard, I have to hit these deadlines. I have to have this much money in my bank account, hit these goals, whatever it is, to be worthy, to be enough, to be loved.

Kimberley Valerie 27:01

But at that point, I didn't even have that kind of connection to it. I didn't... I never ever thought I needed to have X amount of money or I needed to have this kind of love or attention. That's how much in denial I was. I didn't realize that I was pursuing--

Dawn Taylor 27:16

--like superstar denial. So you got like A plus even in your denial.

Kimberley Valerie 27:20

I never thought of it like that. Like, I wasn't even, like, it wasn't.... this isn't my.... this is the thing is I've never even been like, 'Oh, I want I want a million dollars. I want $100, I want', you know this.... I never... Iron Mans, yes. Physical things would be more like specific goals. It would just be, like, 'Oh, I think that sounds cool to do. I'm gonna go try to do that', kind of thing. Right? And so it was like, I didn't even know that I was seeking it. That's what I mean. Like, that's how in denial I was. And when people were trying to tell me that I needed to slow down, connect with my breath, you know, things like that, I was like, 'You guys are all just jealous. You're just lazy.' You're just lazy. I'm just... you're just, you feel bad when you're around me because you're not doing so much, or whatever. And it was just, it was obtuse. I know that now, I see that now. But it was.... that's what happens when you're so in denial.

Dawn Taylor 28:13

You are everybody else walking around, right?

Kimberley Valerie 28:16

You're just so in denial.

Dawn Taylor 28:17

So many people.

Kimberley Valerie 28:18

Gosh, it's like I laugh every now and then. My best friend, she's like, 'Yeah, it was kind of like I could see the train wreck coming, but...' I tried everything I could to stop it. Anyway. So the process of going through treatment and recovery really fucks you up, as you know, you've been through your own hell and back with different health scares. And that really started to change things for me, slowly though. It wasn't... it wasn't an about face. And I remember one of my dear friends is a clinical social worker who specializes in trauma counseling, she was sitting with me after my mastectomy, and I remember saying, like, 'I don't understand, I don't understand, like, people go through cancer and have these a-ha moments', and they're all like, 'Oh, it's such a beautiful journey and blah, blah', and I'm like, I don't fucking get it, my life was great. I don't understand. What is gonna get better? And she's so patient and kind. And she's like, well, you know, everybody's journey is on a different track. Your a-ha moment might come later, it might, you know, different times... you know, very..... and I was like, 'Yeah, well, I need it now. Because, you know, kind of what's the lesson here?' Right? Because that's kind of how I lived most of those, any of those kinds of, like, rough patches that I went through over the years, you know, it's always like, 'Hey, what's the lesson', the pivot thing, right? What's the lesson? What do I need to learn so I can keep moving? I don't fit in shit for too long.

Dawn Taylor 29:39

I'm the same.

Kimberley Valerie 29:41

And then when I got diagnosed with cancer, the kids came over, everybody. I said, 'We got three days'. I still did that. Three days. We can live in this shit for three days, but then it's time to make a plan.

Dawn Taylor 29:51

My answer is 47 minutes. I'm going to have the world's biggest pity party. Like, I'm going to whine and cry and wail and probably in a hot bath with a bucket of ice cream, like, but like, I'm gonna set a timer, like 47 minutes. This is gonna be fucking dramatic.

Kimberley Valerie 30:06

I love it. So random. 47 minutes.

Dawn Taylor 30:11

It came out of a hard time one time, where my husband actually said to me, he was like, 'Okay, yes, this is happening, yes, this is horrible. But how long are you going to live in it for?' And I was like, 'As long as I want!' And he's like, well you're in a hot tub and the bath water is gonna get real cold soon. He's like, 'You have an hour, or something, or 15 minutes', and we ended up, like, negotiating and compromising on 47 minutes, and that has been the joke for 20 years.

Kimberley Valerie 30:37

That's beautiful. Mine was three days. Although I think 47 minutes is better because in three days when you're wallowing, you can spend a lot of money. You can spend a lot money.

Dawn Taylor 30:46

You can spend a lot of money--

Kimberley Valerie 30:47

--eat a lot of carbs---

Dawn Taylor 30:48

You can get.... and you can get real dark. Real dark. Like I've always said that to people, like Day One, I'm fine. Day Two of wallowing.... I'm like, oh boy... because if I hit day three, I'm out for a week.

Kimberley Valerie 31:00

Day three, I don't think I lasted, I think my daughter lasted three days, but I don't think I did. Because it was.... actually at one point my husband, he's like, 'Okay, I know this is, like, it's devastating for all of us, but we still have to pay the visa bill, you know that.' The online shopping for tools. .....So, yeah, even in that it was like so I can't sit shit. Anyway. So the trip through cancer has been five years, I'm coming up five years, but this is where the real learning came. It's over the course, and very slowly, of five years. And this is what started... as I started, okay, I gotta just back this up. My first appointment.... So as I went through cancer treatment, and tried to figure out what I can do to be healthy, right? To reduce, relapse, to reduce all of that, the reoccurrence, all that kind of stuff. I started to get into health and food, and I started to understand cellular energy, and the cells, of our actual physical body. So I went to see an acupuncture and I saw Vanessa - V, sorry - the urban witch. And first time I met her, and where I'm in a room and she says to me, she's doing all this stuff, whatever, and she goes, 'Tell me about why are you here'. And I said, 'Well, I just want to make sure all my cells are, like, as healthy as they can be, for, like, you know, reducing cancer'.

Dawn Taylor 31:01

Not doing this again.

Kimberley Valerie 31:03

I'm not doing this again. I gotta do what I can. And she said, 'Okay', and then she lies me down the table, she does some things, and she says, 'Tell me what happened when you were 13'. And I said, 'Oh', and I start to... this is what, 'Oh, I was beaten up, blah, blah, blah'. And she goes, 'No, no, no, tell me about your sister'. And nobody's ever known. Nobody's ever, like, talked or asked questions about the impact, okay, of that event when I was 13. And I said, 'Oh, well, what about her?' And she goes---

Dawn Taylor 32:47

--well, because as a twin---

Kimberley Valerie 32:48

Well my twin is my brother, but he's older. My sister that was raised with us, is five years younger, and she was my sidekick, right up until I was 13. And she said, 'Tell me what happened with her'. And I said, 'Oh, well, she stayed at my, she stayed with my mum and the monster', because I had said something about being beaten up, blah, blah, blah. And she goes, 'Hmm', and she goes like that. And in an instant, my unconscious mind opened something up to me that I never connected. So one of the things that happened when I was beaten up and recovered and in my foster home - and I knew the story because my sister and I had talked about the story over the years, but it was like periodically, because this stuff doesn't come up regularly - what had happened is when I was in my foster home, and I was fully recovered, I was terrified for my sister because I had been almost killed by this guy that was still in the home. I had actually gone to her school and stolen her and brought her to my foster home when I was 13. Of course you're not allowed to raise your siblings at 13. The police were called, she was returned home to my mom. So, I'm laying on the table, now I'm 50 - I'm laying on table at 51 - laying on the table and this random acupuncturist asked me what happened with my sister when I was 13. And in an instant my subconscious opened up to me. The reason why that job at Child Welfare fit me like a fucking glove, is because I needed to save my sister. I spent 15 years trying to complete that loop, trying to complete that pattern. But I was so unaware of it. It was so ingrained, and so part of the filter that I lived my life, that I didn't even... it was like the color of my skin, the color of my eyes, you don't even notice it. And in that moment when I had that - this acupuncturist had no idea okay, this was all going on inside my head, my subconscious, it was like I was ready, it was like I was finally ready to see how powerful our body absorbs information, creates our reality, and says then, 'This is how you made decisions through your whole life out of this lens'. And it was so powerful to be in that split second, not only because of the sister thing, so you can bet when I phoned her and told her that she was bawling. Because her and I have had many fights over the years. Have you ever doubted I loved you sissy? You need to know I spent my whole career trying to save you. You know what I mean. But that's why I was so good at that job. That's where I started to recognize it was because of the need from my trauma, right, it needed to complete that loop of saving my my sister. It needed to make sure she was safe, I was safe. Everything I did as an adult, or from a kid from that moment, to even now, my nervous system filters everything based on being a protective factor, right? Because... and so that was the skew. So that's how I saw the world. That's just... and then I realized, 'Wow, imagine what decisions I would have made in my life had that filter not been there, and I had a different filter.' And then I started to explore that even more and more. And so I started to unpack how my trauma affected me. And that's when I realized it's these unmet needs of being seen, of being safe, of being secure, valued, all those things that we get as children, those are the pillars to our developmental phases, right? All those things were missing. And, you know, other things were put in there. This became... that became the driver, my addiction, to fill all those unmet needs. And it's actually my nervous system. So this is what I connect with now. And this is what I really would like your listeners to really connect to - if the words stress and trauma aren't connecting for them, it's the nervous system regulation. When I started to think of my nervous system and regulating my nervous system, because my physical health was compromised, and one of the things that I learned is that your nervous system needs to recover in order for you to have health. Physically, right? And the only way to do that is to actually drop your energy, drop your guard, to actually let that nervous system - and you can't do that if your eyes are open, if your ears are always going, if you're always scanning - your nervous system doesn't ever fucking shut down, right? So.

Dawn Taylor 37:27

Oh you're preaching the choir. I had a brain aneurysm at 17. And the doctors are like, 'Well, what about this? Are you on birth control? Was she in an accident? Was she hit in the head? What's going on?' And it was like, no, it's actually just stress.

Kimberley Valerie 37:44

Right. Which people roll, it's your nervous system has... it cannot recover. It has no downtime. It's like a car stuck on rpm. And so for me, the last few years has been about really understanding my nervous, how my nervous system responds to the external factors of the world. What that means to me, based on my own experiences, trauma, conditioning, all that, and how I have taken - because that need to be a high performer and achiever, I still have that. I still have that craving. Right? But every time I get back into that energetic state, and I don't mean like, 'Ooooh', like, you know, a holy spiritual energy state. I mean, no, I mean, like in that high - it's like a tension state in the nervous system. Every time I get there, something will happen and whether it's I throw my back out, like, stupid stuff, right? Either my back goes or something doesn't go right, like something will happen to bring me back. And it's like, no, no, no, no, no. Right? I crave all this stuff still. So because that's how I live my life for 30 years, 40 years, right? So the craving is still there, because that was my personality. But now it's like, so... now I talk to people and I'm like, 'How can we turn these high performing overachieving goal crushing people, how can you change the fuel?' Let's look at the fuel you're using for those things, and see how you can change those things, and still experience great success.

Dawn Taylor 39:17

I talk often to clients about when things have happened like that, where - right, like the big traumas - when something like that has happened, and, I mean, I'm not even talking a trauma in terms of like rape or abuse or even beaten or things like that. Trauma being anytime your nervous system was jolted. Those moments in your life that you feel like you got hot iron branded, that are stuck, right? We often go to a place of, like, we have to pay penance for them. Out of, like, guilt or shame or your behavior, your actions, what was taken from you, how it affected people around you. Right? So tell me if I'm wrong, but a piece of that 13 year old that got beat, right? It goes to a place of, like, I have to protect and save my sister, but now, like, how have I hurt the people in my life because I was taken away, and I ended up in foster care, and I ended up there, so now I have to pay penance for that for the rest of my life. Almost to pay off this like imaginary debt that's owed to everybody around you for what happened. I remember feeling so much of that for the things that had happened in my life. For, like, my siblings didn't get a normal childhood, because of me. My siblings didn't get the relationships with aunts and uncles, because of the abuse I dealt with, stopped those trips to go visit that entire portion of the family.

Kimberley Valerie 40:41

You know, that's... I never, that's not been a perspective I have held. But that's interesting. That's a very interesting point of view. Because my siblings and I were so all disengaged from our parents, like, we were all scattered, one was given away, one was in youth detention, I got in foster...like, do you know what I mean? Like, none of us even considered that perspective. That's interesting.

Dawn Taylor 41:07

It's just, it's a totally different way to look at it. And so when I'm talking to clients, often I'll be like, 'What would life look like if you didn't owe anything anymore?' If you didn't owe a debt to anybody, if you didn't have to hold that, what could life look like? Because a lot of those decisions, they weren't ours. Having a brain aneurysm is 17 is not my choice. I did not wake up in the morning like I'm bored, what am I doing around five or six today? But there were still the comments that get made about, like, the financial burden on the family, and, you know, my dad lost his job in the middle of it all.

Kimberley Valerie 41:44

And so your situation brought a bunch of stuff to the family.

Dawn Taylor 41:51

Totally.

Kimberley Valerie 41:52

Whereas my family, it was, like, kids just disappeared and nobody asked questions.

Dawn Taylor 41:57

Right? But we have this piece of us that, like, so many people, we hold that.

Kimberley Valerie 42:04

You know, when I look back, what I see is when my daughters were teens - so this need, this filter that I had before I understood the filter, safety and ensuring, like, controlling people's safety that were close to me, ie my sister, or anybody that represented them - so as my daughter has became teens, you can just imagine. As they start to.... 

Dawn Taylor 42:27

Oh my god, you must have been a very fun, protective mom.

Kimberley Valerie 42:30

It was horrible. It was absolutely horrible. I was so controlling. And I still talk about this with my oldest daughter, of course, the oldest one always, you know, kind of gets the worst of it, if you will. But we, you know, I talked to her, we talked openly about it, we had some very nasty moments and some very pivotal conflicts that changed the trajectory of her life, even. Because, but it was really all grounded and rooted in this need to protect. And it's only been in the last five years that I've been able to have that distance enough to see that, and healing and understanding, and also to go back to her. Because even today, I will still sometimes question and judge her as a parent on safety of her kids. Because that.... right? And I'll be like, I need to step back. She's the parent, right? Because those things become so ingrained in you, they just really do. But definitely, you know, there are the parenting fees with teens, it wasn't so much with boys, with my son especially, he was fairly... I think he was fairly well regulated. He took care of himself, basically. And so that's the story in our family, though - funny that you say that. He's always like, the girls took up so much attention because of how I responded. And my husband was busy working. Like he did his best he can, but he's like supporting a family. Right? He's the one blazing the trail and making the money. And so, anyway, there's definitely some shrapnel, some.... that happens because of that.

Dawn Taylor 44:19

Oh, and there always is. So if you were to give, like, a piece of advice, a word of advice, warning, something of support for someone listening who's like, 'Hey, I'm that overachiever. I am that person'. What would you say?

Kimberley Valerie 44:33

I would say this: the first thing I want you to hear yourself. If you just say that's just how I am or that's just my personality, then I would encourage you to start being curious about why that's your personality. Start being curious why? Because that's what we say to ourselves. When I was in the denial phase, it's like that's just the way I am. Sorry if you're not that way, but that's the way I am, right? And so asking those questions, if you hear yourself saying that to someone, that's just the way I am, or I can't slow down, I can't meditate - and I'm not telling somebody to meditate, I feel like to go from high performer, somebody that's in denial like that, to meditation, that's too.... it's like a cold....

Dawn Taylor 45:15

It's way too far of a jump.

Kimberley Valerie 45:18

Yeah, but I'm just saying, like, that's the language. If you're using that language, we recognize those language, start getting curious as to what's fueling that. Where is that? Where's.... and what would happen if you weren't able to do that? Right? That thing, whatever it is, right? If you weren't able to get that fill, or if you're running, right, if you're trying to run a three hour marathon, and you're running through injuries and pain, and your doctors and your friends are telling you to stop, stop, stop, stop, rest, rest, rest, and you're still not listening to that advice, then you're being fueled. Chances are you're being fueled by a trauma response somewhere. Doesn't have to be - like you said - it doesn't have to be, you know, all about beatings and abuse, that kind of trauma, it can be something, you could be trying to prove yourself.

Dawn Taylor 46:06

It means your emotions, it means your emotions are actually in charge of you and you're not in charge of your emotions. So as much as you think you're controlling everything around you, you're actually completely out of control.

Kimberley Valerie 46:16

Right. Like my nervous, my internal vibration, was so tense that if you flicked it, it would almost break. When I was diagnosed with breast cancer, because I'm not a western medicine fan, I went to a homeopathy doctor while waiting for all the referrals to chemo and all that. And I remember her saying this to me, Dawn, she said, we did our big intake, and I don't even know her, did a big intake, blah, blah, and she says to me, 'Until you get the energy corrected with your childhood, your breast cancer will come back'. And I was horrified. I was like, why would you say that? Why would you tell me my breast cancer's coming... like, what kind of...?

Dawn Taylor 46:56

Do you know who I am?

Kimberley Valerie 47:01

And so she goes, I said, so I was offended, 'How dare you?' And then she goes, 'No, you need to deal with the energy with which this trauma created.' And I said, 'Like, I need therapy?' And she said, 'No, you need to change the energy.' And I thought oh my god, she's a flake, I don't understand her. I understand her now.

Dawn Taylor 47:21

No, it's huge. Thank you for being so vulnerable with us today, Kim. And diving into it and your drug of choice, because it is. We live in a world where all of those things that were, they were your heroin, they were your meth, were your alcohol, they were... right? Those things are so celebrated.

Kimberley Valerie 47:40

So celebrated.

Dawn Taylor 47:41

They are so celebrated and they shouldn't be. Nothing about those should be celebrated. So I hope that someone listening to this---

Dawn Taylor 47:51

---like sees themselves in that, yeah.

Dawn Taylor 47:52

Reach out either to myself, a therapist, a psychologist, Kim, whoever.... reach out and maybe start getting curious about that and digging into it.

Kimberley Valerie 48:02

Thank you for having the conversation.

Dawn Taylor 48:04

I know that this is a heavy but good topic right? Like they're topics that need to be talked about. That's the whole point of this podcast. We're going to end with some just, like, silly rapid fire questions. Just to get to know you on a different level, and have some fun.

Kimberley Valerie 48:19

Okay, these ones always throw me. I'm always good for the big heavy, like, share my soul. But the light hearted ones I'm like 'eeeee'.

Dawn Taylor 48:30

What is something you spend a silly amount of money on?

Kimberley Valerie 48:33

Coffee.

Dawn Taylor 48:34

Coffee, we talked about this before we started recording, that you are like the bougie coffee drinker.

Kimberley Valerie 48:39

We do, um, yes coffee. I would say coffee and hand cream.

Dawn Taylor 48:43

Oh, I like it. What is your secret guilty pleasure way to decompress?

Kimberley Valerie 48:48

This is gonna sound silly, but it's hypno breathwork. Yeah, it is... I'm actually taking my certification coming up, because it has been a game changer.

Dawn Taylor 48:57

Okay, we should.... do you have a, what purchase of $100 or less has most positively impacted your life in recent memory?

Kimberley Valerie 49:07

I'm like looking around. I'm like... oh, I know. This is gonna sound weird... Archie flip-flops.

Dawn Taylor 49:14

Archie, flip-flops.

Kimberley Valerie 49:15

Yeah, the brand. Archie flip-flops.

Dawn Taylor 49:17

Nice. And what is an unusual habit or absurd thing that you love?

Kimberley Valerie 49:23

I am horribly addicted to flossing my teeth.

Dawn Taylor 49:29

Like, how many times a day?

Kimberley Valerie 49:30

Like, I can't even count, probably 10 times a day. Like, every time after every time I'm eating. Sometimes when I'm just sitting around, to the point.... ok, there's two funny stories. One of them is we used to have this tiny little chihuahua and one day my husband came home and the dental floss was hanging out of the chihuahua's ass. He was like, 'You're gonna kill the dog with your dental floss'. And then the other one was, we were having this big party, like there was like 30 or 40 people in the house, and I had to floss my teeth. I had finished eating, I had to floss my teeth. I go into the pantry, okay, I get my dental floss, I go into the pantry, and I'm like flossing my teeth in the pantry, and one of my guests opens the door and sees me. And I'm like.... and she's like.... she was hysterical. She still to this day will message me, every year around the time and say, 'Remember that time I caught you flossing your teeth like you're a crack addict?' I can floss my teeth in public, in a restaurant, and you wouldn't even know. So it's flossing my teeth.

Dawn Taylor 50:33

I love... I love I love I love, that you still have these, like, crazy obsessive behaviors. And we all do, right? Like, it's such a trauma response thing to have these weird control things.

Kimberley Valerie 50:46

Yeah, mine is flossing my teeth.

Dawn Taylor 50:47

I'm just really proud of you that it's no longer your hit. And instead it's your things, like your flossing.

Kimberley Valerie 50:54

It's my floss.

Dawn Taylor 50:55

It's a little bit healthier. Well thank you so much for being here.

Kimberley Valerie 50:58

Thank you so much for the conversation.

Dawn Taylor 51:00

Please check the shownotes. You can find all the different ways to get ahold of Miss Kimberley and how to find out about her, her business, follow her on all of her social media, and everywhere else that she's hanging out. And please check back because we're gonna have another amazing episode in two weeks. Talk to you guys later. Thank you so much for hanging out with Kim and I today. I hope that you have a few amazing takeaways and are around again in two weeks for our next episode. Check out the show notes located at ThatTaylorWay.ca for your free fun download. I promise it's worth it. Subscribe now on Apple, Spotify, or wherever you listen to your podcasts. And if you love the show, it would mean the world to me if you'd leave a rating and review. Talk to you guys soon.

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