episode-20-an-affair

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Taylor Way Talks

20 - Hannah Bailey: Before, During and After an Affair

Dawn Taylor|3/27/2023

Hannah Bailey is Dawn's guest this week, and Hannah is a strong, self-reliant woman who knows what she wants. How did she become embroiled in an extramarital affair that almost triggered a divorce? Hannah lays it all out, the before, during and after, in a raw and authentic fashion.


Hannah explains to Dawn that she has always been a woman who knows what she wants. She elaborates on this statement by telling us about when she met her husband at a friend's wedding. The new couple is married, but the new marriage was rocky, with Hannah’s husband away for significant periods fulfilling his Navy obligations. Hannah fed her emotional needs by establishing a deep and heartfelt friendship with a friend's husband.


Things went awry as this extraordinary friendship turned into an extramarital affair. Hannah details to Dawn how this occurred in increments over time. She also describes the affair's effects on her, her husband, and her boyfriend's life. Dawn is amazed by Hannah's resiliency and resourcefulness when Hannah explains how she ended the affair and salvaged and strengthened her marriage with some help from an unlikely source. This episode proves that sometimes an affair is not the end but can be a source of healing and strength.


About Hannah Bailey


Hannah is a small town woman, who farms and cherishes her family. She is ambitious, unwavering, and resilient. She is a “Han of All Trades”.


— 


Dawn Taylor - The Taylor Way: website | facebook | instagram | linkedin


Hannah’s Homestead: hannah@chronichealthclub.com | instagram    facebook | Hannah’s Homstead Podcast

Transcript


Dawn Taylor 00:09


I am your host Dawn Taylor, and today we are going to be talking to the amazing Hannah Bailey! The topic today is the before, during and after of an affair. I know we're hitting the hard stuff. Before we get started, I just want to tell you a little bit about our guest so that you can be as excited as I am. Hannah is a small-town woman. She farms, cherishes her family; she is ambitious, unwavering, resilient. She also does some personal training, if I remember correctly from our first conversation, but she's also just very raw, real and open about the good, the bad, the ugly, right. The before, during, and after of having an affair, how it's healed. And in an interesting twist. It's your husband's ex-wife that actually helped heal your marriage. So you're gonna have to, like, listen to this episode to hear the whole story around that. But Hannah, I just want to welcome into the show. Welcome.


Hannah Bailey 01:07


Thank you. I'm excited to be here.


Dawn Taylor 01:09


Oh, I am so excited that you're here. I know, when you applied to be on the podcast, and it was talking about, like, the other side of an affair. And we hopped on Zoom and had a quick call. And I was so inspired by your story. In a world where I mean, I don't even know what the percentages are of people that have affairs. But when you have over 50% of couples getting divorced, it's probably a pretty big number. And not many people survive, and not only that, not many people thrive. So let's start with the before. Let's hear your tell your story.


Hannah Bailey 01:47


So before, this is really an odd story, and I giggled because I actually had a new client on my own ask me, oh, how do you meet your husband? And I'm just like, Okay, let me tell you. We met while he was going through a divorce. And we were both in a friend's wedding. And they're actually divorced now, unfortunately. But we were not actually paired up together. I had begged to be because I was like, he's single, I'm single, it'll be great! And our height difference just wasn't cutting it for the wedding party. And so I was like, no, like, that's, that's not going to be where the line gets drawn. I'm going to figure it out. And Micah, my husband and I were actually laughing about this the other night, about how I offered him a drink. And he declined it! And I said I'm still not I'm persistent. And so he had to drive all the bridesmaids back after the wedding. And we got to talking, and these other women were being really, really hard on him about his divorce. And so his first marriage, and so that's where I started to get to know him. And I just kind of ignored it. I didn't pry. I let them kind of like set the negative tone. So I thought, you know, if he wants to talk about it, we'll talk about it later. And then we started, we got back to the house where we're going to have the party, and we played cards against humanity. And we clicked, and I went to the bathroom. And as I was walking back down the hallway, he just grabbed on my face and kissed me. And I was like, oh, okay, so all these like "no's" that I got earlier are a "yes's"! And so after that, it was just kind of, we kind of were inseparable. And at one point over that summer, I said, you know, I don't have time for you. I don't think this is going to work out because there was nothing wrong between us. And so, unfortunately, you know, we didn't talk for about a month. And I found out he was starting to see someone else. And I thought, Okay, now I'm starting to get jealous. You know, we're young, 20s. At that point, and I thought, unacceptable. Like, I am not going to do this. I'm not going to wait and drag my feet. He was about to enlist in the Navy. And so I said, "Okay, let's try again." He goes, "No, I'm about to leave." Like, I am not going with a no. I said, "Look, I did my time in the army like you're going into the Navy. I understand. I know what it's like. Let me support you through this." And about a month before he started signing on the paperwork. And when we got back, got back together. And then we got married the day before he went to sign all the paperwork. I said, if you're gonna do this, I'm going to do this with you. And we knew because I had a daughter. Anyway, I said that we would have to go through court work because to leave states, obviously to follow him along. Like I would respect her dad and everything, and he filed the paperwork and everything he knew he wanted to make sure. And so what ended up happening, my husband went into the Navy, and we went through all the court process, and the judge said, you either stay here and remain the sole custodial parent and the primary parent, or you can hand her over to your ex, and you can follow your husband. And I said no. And so I said, I'm going to remain here in Indiana while he goes to Virginia because that is the closest naval base that he could go to for his job that he was enlisted in. And I'll just be here. You know, I agreed to this. That was that. So that whole first year was really rocky and tumultuous. You know, you're freshly married, you don't know each other really. You knew each other for six months? You know, that sounds absolutely crazy. So it there's no shot number. I hate to say this, but statistically, when it comes to military personnel, there's no shock that this happened. I don't say that to be a number. I don't say that to dismiss what happened. But as we get into the deeper details, like it didn't just happen, because of, you know, being in the military. It didn't happen because of a statistic. So after our one year anniversary, we ended up getting pregnant with my youngest on our anniversary and literally like the day of, and so yeah, I was like so, like on it. I wanted to have another baby. I wanted to give him a baby, his previous marriage, he didn't have any kids. And so that was kind of it. You know, rocky, he really wanted kids. So I was like, oh my god, I just really want to give him a child so bad. Like, he has no resentment, or at least I didn't feel any resentment at the time that I was held back in Indiana. He seemed to be very understanding. However, I went through the pregnancy, it was very lonely. And so we went through it. We got through arguments and stuff. And then, after we had her in July of 2019, he deployed in December of 2019. And if anyone remembers what 2020 was like...it was even...


Dawn Taylor 06:59


Oh, come on! Oh, my goodness!


Hannah Bailey 07:03


even lonelier. So the gym I workout now, I was a client . And I said, Okay, I want to lose all this weight. I was like, I just want to be hot for my husband after he gets off deployment. And I just had a kid like, I was so focused on that. And I was living in a rental. And so struck up conversation with my neighbour. And that's kind of where we got started. And it wasn't a quick thing. Like I'm telling you, when I say it wasn't quick to get, it was something that took at least a year to build up to any kind of physical connection like that. So I don't know if you have any questions. I don't. I don't want to skip over anything. Because... No, no, no, it's... You're good. Keep going! Okay, so this is, this really isn't a story that I've ever told in its entirety. So I had this connection with my neighbour. And we just got to talking political stuff, you know, 2020, all of our thoughts around it. And at the time, his wife was doing my hair. So that's how I knew them like we were friends. And so you know, here I am, with a six, seven-month-old going through this, my husband comes home at this point from deployment, nothing else had happened, nothing had happened. And in general, like it was just all conversation. And so, you know, I'd felt really good about how I was changing and evolving and getting my confidence back. They had... my neighbours had since moved, got a permanent home instead of a rental. And then Micah, my husband and I started looking for a property. So here we are late 2020. And we start looking around for land, like around September, October, November. And then we finally found the farm that we have now. And so we closed on it on January 2, 2021. So we just passed two years last month. But that's when things started to really change. And, you know, at this point, there had been nothing up to that was physical. Everything had just been like receiving comments, you know, as women adjust and change and lose weight and start feeling better and being a little more showy, I guess. And you know, you know how Facebook and Instagram are and everything when you want to show like your best. People notice, and I was feeding into the attention I was getting because it wasn't ever public. I was never getting the comments publicly. It was always in Messenger. And you know, this friend whose husband I had an affair with, she had told me, you know, he just really likes you. He likes your personality. He likes how outspoken you are on all these things. And my husband felt very insecure about me at that point. Like who I was, what I was saying, and how bold I've always been. And I always say like that's rooted in trauma, but that also just made me want to retaliate more. And it just made me resent him for not loving me at the point that I was at and feeding me what I needed as like my human needs and my basic human needs of words of affirmation, even though it was more of like, stroke my ego at that point, like, look at all the...


Dawn Taylor 10:19


No, collect and pause there. Let's pause there. I think this is a huge issue in couples in general. Like, I've talked to so many clients over the years where I'm like, nobody wakes up in the morning. And it's like, I feel like an affair. Right?


Hannah Bailey 10:34


Right. Right. Right yeah


Dawn Taylor 10:35


Right, that's, that's not how it works. Because it's, there's needs that are being met, there's conversations that aren't happening, there's needs that aren't being spoken. And that's such a huge piece of it is, it's not just about even like you're not getting my needs, it's like, I don't even know what my needs are. And I'm not even asking for you to meet my needs.


Hannah Bailey 10:57


Yeah. Well, and also, as I reflect, we still were living in separate states. We and I have tons of Facebook posts documenting our entire marriage because I would say, well, we've spent 200 days together under the same roof or in the same place. It's like, not even in the same house over three years. You know, that's crazy. So I think also, that's where we have a lot of grace, and from my husband with me, and vice versa, in the conversations that we had, as well, because we realize, one we didn't know each other over the whole course of these years. And we both were not being kind to one another, you know, there was a lot of him turning off his phone to avoid conversations that I wanted to have, that he wasn't willing to have. There was a lot of anger, and loneliness and poor coping mechanisms. And so I reflect back, and I realized I was holding a lot over his head over things that were out of his control. But I was hurting. And I can admit that as an adult and say I didn't act accordingly. He couldn't meet my needs that I wanted met anyway because he was in a different state. And you know, I think that's how we've been healing as well. But we'll get to that. So we bought the farm. And that's when things really started to change, which is interesting because now, I was no longer living in the same town as the man that I ended up having an affair with. And we one day, we went to lunch. And he said to me, he goes, as if my wife doesn't walk in, I'll know, it's not a setup. And I made me think, wow, this either has happened before and come to find out, it had not, not with her. She had never had any suspicions. But when you build a foundation, where she had had some insecurities around it, which is she had, you know, expressed those to me, and I did not respect it. And I admit that I know that. So it was eye-opening because he was looking for someone who had respect and communication and was someone that he could trust. And I still consider myself that person for him. Because I will never name him people who know, know, and that's fine, that he has always respected me. And I'll say that as we explain that as we go through this, he which is what I sought after. And I realized that I needed respect. And I needed someone to listen. And so he gave me all of that. And he gave me a lot of compassion. And I had someone asked me if he was my sugar daddy because there was an 19-year age difference, which is funny because I have never asked him for money ever. And I never had to. He never offered it up. It was never about that. There was a lot of chivalry, and you know, things to fill the void of me not having my husband home. And he respected when my goal was home, and would not text me would not talk to me, you know, because I've been very open and public about the comings and goings because a lot of people would want to see my husband, you know, and but it was a two-way street, and they only wanted him to come one way, and so there was...


Dawn Taylor 11:58


Normal.


Hannah Bailey 13:11


He did. It's a very odd way of saying that he respected boundaries and time and space because you don't expect this. You expect an affair to be what you see on dramatic television episodes, and you expect it to be sneaky, and you expect it to be full of drama, and it was not like that at all. So, okay, we had lunch. And as things moved on, it wasn't until that summer of 2021 where things started to get physical. And my husband suspected that something was happening, which is okay. And, like we talked about getting divorced and whatnot, we kind of just let it be. But it didn't really come to a head until 2022. And it's so crazy that we're in 2023 already.


Dawn Taylor 15:31


Right?!


Hannah Bailey 15:33


But, you know, like, looking back, I had my youngest in 2019. And that's when we met. And now, you know, everything closed out in 2022. And that's pretty long-standing for something to lapse. And so, you know, things started to get physical. In the summer of 2022, no, 2021, I'm sorry. And then his wife filed for divorce. And I don't know at what point she found out about me. I would say it was like early fall. And because I had a fitness competition in August of 2021, she cancelled on me, and she said, if this is important to you, you need to find someone else to do this. And you know, I had her booked for a long time. She's the one I trusted with my hair since 2017. And so... I assume she had her suspicions. And there were comments made, but she never voiced them to me, just to him. And he explained them to me. And so, you know, there was, like, there was a lot of respect that he gave me to give me the guidance and protection and support for this because he didn't want anything to affect my day-to-day life. He didn't want me to have drama with having young kids. He respectfully saw himself out of that marriage. And so we just kind of started seeing each other off and on, at that point, because we didn't really know what was going to come of it. You know, I hadn't filed for divorce. He said he didn't want anything serious, which is fine. You know, I get it. We're very, very different points of our lives.


Dawn Taylor 16:00


Yes. So did your husband know what was going on at this point?


Hannah Bailey 17:16


He knew that he was uncomfortable with him. And he had asked me, and I had been in denial. I said, don't ask me again, like, stop. I don't want to talk about anything. So I, he had his suspicions, and he had talked about it. So it was just, I said, just, I want to be left alone. And he would leave me alone, for the most part, about it. So then I spent New Year's 2021 going into 2022 with this man, which is actually my husband's birthday. And so it, like looking at it. I know how insulting I was around a lot of things that I did because it was, again, me hurting, and he was filling the void. And he knew that, and we had communicated that and talked about that. But then things started to get, you know, a little more intense, emotionally, and obviously, I teared up, but it got to the point of okay, well, if you're getting divorced, then what are we? What are we going to do? Like, are we going to date? Because I had asked, I said, you know, I don't know if you're seeing anyone else. Please, if you are, tell me so we can cut this off. Because I just want that respect and... There was one point over that fall that he had considered it and had, and he told me, which is fine. You know, I said I just I want my sexual health to be at its best. Like, I said, he respected that I had young kids and everything. I can't control a man. But the fact that he gave me that respect and dignity, and honesty, I appreciated a lot. And there was a couple of little arguments about that at towards the end, but it closed out, obviously. So we... I want to say we were exclusive. However, it was known enough that we were seeing one another, and there were some fights that he had had through text messages with his ex-wife saying, you know, I know you're seeing Hannah, I'm seeing someone else, all this other stuff, you know, hurt people hurt people. And so it was very painful. You know, someone you spent a decade with who you didn't think would be the one to do that. And he had told me up to that point, like, you never had thought of it. And so I take shame a little bit in that, and I try not to be ashamed because I oddly... Like again, it's an ego thing and a trauma response for me, but I had a lot of pride that I was valued enough that he did that. And I know it's so insulting and degrading, but my need knowing that as a child. I did not get a lot of praise. It filled that void. And so a lot of the things that I feel that people do is our inner child is trying to resolve things and fill needs that were never met that we needed from our parents. And so...


Dawn Taylor 20:16


So 100%.


Hannah Bailey 20:19


So, you know, as we came in at 2022, I am. I still can't believe it's been almost a year now. Things started to get a little more serious. And there was a little bit of drama, but it got dropped pretty quickly. My husband stepped up and nipped it in the bud, thankfully, which is really interesting to say, you know, as your wife's seeing someone else, and you're still married, and you hadn't even filed for divorce yet. You're saying, like, no one's gonna disrespect you while you're doing whatever you're doing and trying to work out. And so I


Dawn Taylor 20:54


That's amazing. Just so I know, that's really amazing on his part. That, I mean, people listening are probably like, what the hell? Why is he okay with this? But I remember talking to a friend years ago, and there had been a an affair situation in her marriage. And I remember her saying, like her husband, I was talking to her husband about it because they overcame it. And he's like, as much as I was mad or angry or hurt, or any of those things. Like I still had to own the fact that I was a 50% of the problem or more.


Hannah Bailey 21:30


Yeah, yeah, it was a great. Yeah. And I it was, I wish I could say that that was my wake up call that this man had unconditional. My husband had unconditional love for me. But it still wasn't because what the way he reacted, and we've talked about it, since he did it in spite of me and in spite of someone else. And so we have since worked through that, but it would, and we've since actually had the olive branch extended by that person, which I'll share towards the end, too. But it kind of everything just came full circle for all of us to heal. And I reflect back again, and I say, you know, we were just young and dumb. And I can't say that completely. Because, you know, I was 26-27 Going into this. And it just, it was a huge chunk of my life, too. Because you know, as a young adult, and you're trying to navigate marriage that you don't even really have, and you're trying to raise kids and start a life in a new home. You know you want someone there to meet the needs that you're wanted and desired and appreciated and all these things. So you know, things started to ramp up and early winter spring 2022. And I got in a car accident on April 1st last year, and I call it my Alive Day. And because I totaled my truck, I pinged ponged between two guard rails, like I had the I had a I have a utility sale truck. It's a V8 Titan, and on the back, it had doors. And these doors actually detached from the truck and flew off the side of the guardrail at the top of a bridge and went down towards train tracks. How I did not flip my truck is beyond me because it was ice. And I just pinged ponged, and I literally had no scrapes, no scratches, nothing like totally fine. So that's actually the day that I told my husband that someone was considering blackmailing me about this. And I came clean about absolutely everything. And he said I'm coming home. Whatever is going on, we'll figure it out. This was April 1, like, can you imagine? Like, like, I don't know what his original thoughts were. Maybe he thought it was a joke. I don't know. But I was out working. I was like, I need you because I'm stressed. And I don't know what to do. Because the man I was seeing, obviously, you know, he's not just going to come in. My girls had seen him in passing, but they didn't know. They just knew him as like our old neighbour and someone who had helped my truck before when it died, like just little things, and so nothing's serious. And so. So my husband comes home, and my birthday is in May. And I told him I was like, we have birthday plans. So this man-made amazing birthday plans for me. And I think this is also one of those points where he realized, like, he cared a lot about me. So we spent a whole weekend together. My husband basically gifted this to me, and he was like, this is it like I will let you have this weekend. And if you don't figure it out, if this isn't enough, then we'll follow through with the divorce. And I said, Okay. And so I just completely disconnected from my phone and spent this weekend with this man. And the for the first night, we went out, and we tried so many different bars. And I got to, I don't. You know, as a mom, who was basically a single mom for four years, while your husband's gone like you don't have childcare, you don't have help, you don't get to do things. And so I appreciate my husband a lot for letting me have that. And I got to go out. And we tried so many fun places. I realized also like, I'm a mom, and I'm tired. I realized, okay, this is great and fun, but like once in a blue moon, Right? So we did that the first night. And then, the next morning, he made me biscuits and gravy, which is my favourite breakfast. And then...


Dawn Taylor 25:54


So you're like, I'd rather I've just had a really long nap at home.


Hannah Bailey 25:57


Such a southern thing, that is not a Canada thing! Just saying. Yeah, and then that wasn't... so Saturday, we went and we ended up. He had dinner reservations for us. And during the day we went, got checked into the hotel. And then we went to a casino because I've never been so like, I got to do just things I've never been able to do. And so that was fun. He said, you know, this is how much money I brought. Whatever we win, you can take home and I ended up buying a cow with it.


Dawn Taylor 26:41


Oh, that's awesome!


Hannah Bailey 26:43


So that was great. And then after dinner, we went to the Melting Pot, another one of my favourite places. And so then after that, we went to this like pizza place, and you know, as if we're not stuffed already trying out drinks and breweries, and we went to a cigar bar that was really fun too, you know, just relaxed, and you know, but at that night, when we got back to the hotel, we actually just sat in the shower as like the waters running down. And I just started sobbing because I knew that was basically it. And I don't know. I don't remember the full conversation. Obviously, I was like pretty drunk. And but I do remember asking, you know, like, what's going to happen? Like, what's next? And he said, well, if I moved in, I said, are you going to do that? Would you want to, and he goes, I'm not. And I knew what I was asking was irrational anyway. Because we are two very different... Actually, two people that are very much the same. But he is very adamant about not raising young kids again. And I respect that. And you know, he actually is very similar to my own father. He's had three failed marriages. And he also realizes, like, one, we will not be getting married. And two said... like you said, like, people are 50/50. And there's a common denominator in these variables. And so it was like, every time I reflect back in, like, I've since gone through and like deleted a lot of messages and everything, you know, as we're going through it. He's been nothing but kind and genuine and honest with me through the whole process. And, you know, we've had a lot of good memories. You know, we once went and rode scooters in downtown Indianapolis. You know, these are just people I'm like, do a 20, 20, to 27-year-olds do this? I don't know. Is it really something that 20-year-olds do?


Dawn Taylor 28:36


Yeah?


Hannah Bailey 28:37


It just fun things. And that's what I was. It was just it was fun. And he told me like he wanted it to be fun and light and not stressful and not something that brought me pain. And there were he brought me some of the greatest people into my life to that are still friends with me. That knew, and they have had no judgment. They've come out and help on the farm. And they still look after me. And just to bring me the kindest loving friends, too. I literally will never be able to tell him thank you for just those times and who he brought into my life because you can't just find like great people to always rely on. I thanked him so many times, and he's... Like, I don't have any communication with him. I haven't, for a long time. And it's sad because, you know, someone who is always, you know, he actually is the one who picked up my truck when it was done at the body shop, and it just needed a tire. He was like, you know what the frame is bent, but it's okay. And he brought it back to me. And it's, he never asked for anything. And I think he, I don't know what he wanted. We never talked about it, you know, like, how do you get a macho man to talk about his...


Dawn Taylor 30:44


They don't, yeah.


Hannah Bailey 30:45


But the amount of praise and compliments that I got were to last a lifetime, and belief in me that he had, it was very refreshing. And I, that's what I sought. That's what I needed. And then everything else came after. And I think a lot of people think that these are just angsty things that happen, and they're not, you know, I there, I'm sure that there are people that just like meet someone at a bar, you know, like the stereotypical movie drama, but it was not like, at all. And I wish I could say that I saw it coming. But I didn't. And I really appreciate the fact that he always told me like just say when and it's done. And, you know, one time he told me when it, and he said when so I always say that this was projected. When this is over, I lose too. And so, and I don't see myself as someone who is a chunk of someone's life that they lose. And so it was hard to cut it off. Because there was so much that I was getting that wasn't physical that I needed. I just needed confirmation and affirmation. And although he never obviously told me he loved me, I do consider that some unconditional love. Because when it did, and he said go back to your husband and fix things. You have a young family.


Dawn Taylor 32:29


Yeah.


Hannah Bailey 32:30


And a lot of people are selfish, and they wouldn't care.


Dawn Taylor 32:35


No, because their needs are being met. Right?


Hannah Bailey 32:38


Right.


Dawn Taylor 32:38


Often for a man, it's a physical, and for a woman, it's an emotional affair.


Hannah Bailey 32:44


Yeah. Yeah. I don't think that it was just physical for him because there was never any pressure. For me. It was very comforting just to spend time. He was very much a quality-time person. And so that was, it was nice, because, you know, we talked about things, we had a lot of like theological talks. And I think having someone who will dive deeper in a conversation with you than just the surface-level stuff is another reason why I was brought around a lot of friends. And people got to know me. And they knew my stance, they knew where who I was to him with, without any titles being necessary, you know, the respect and was, it was a one of those things that just doesn't always happen. It's not always one of those clean-cut things.


Dawn Taylor 33:33


Never clean cut! People wish it was!


Hannah Bailey 33:38


Right!


Dawn Taylor 33:38


So let's fast forward a little bit. You knew the relationship had to end it wasn't gonna go where it needed to be. Now, how do you fix your marriage?


Hannah Bailey 33:49


So my husba-


Dawn Taylor 33:50


How do you heal that?


Hannah Bailey 33:52


My, so what's funny is it today is the anniversary of the day that I reached out to my husband's first wife, she had also had an affair, and then it produced a child that wasn't his. And they just went separate ways. At that point, there was no resolution for them, especially with the dad wanting to be involved. And I understand that I respect both of the way that they went about it. I reached out to the first wife because there were things that I hadn't question more. At first, it was really to justify my actions and to have someone relate to me and kind of be on my team. Because I didn't know where things are going to go!


Dawn Taylor 34:31


interesting! Yeah!


Hannah Bailey 34:33


So you know, I reached out to her she was very reluctant to talk to me at first. Shockingly enough, I reached out to her through my oldest daughter's dad because they had tried to almost bonded over the fact that we were getting my husband I got together, and so they were talking about the kind of person my husband was so that my ex would feel comfortable with our daughter. So it's very interesting to have like this square of what I called chaos at the time. And communication.


Dawn Taylor 35:08


Yeah.


Hannah Bailey 35:09


I did speak to the ex, wife. And we are now friends. Actually, we actually met today, a year ago. And she helped me like this huge basket of gifts at work. And it was impressive. And so I had reached out to her. And, you know, she said, I support you either way that this goes, but I think he will forgive you, and things will move forward. You know, everyone has... there's two stories, obviously, there his. There's his and hers. But then there's also the truth. And so there was a middle ground that I had to find with both of them. And then there was also a middle ground she had to find with me, as well, as, like, things closed out, my husband had actually left home again, which is justifiable, I understand, like, needing space. And during this time, I actually did a couple of self-development courses. And back in March of 2022, I had put myself in therapy just because I was like, you know what, I'm just gonna do it. There's no one's telling me to do, but I need it. And I know I need it. And it was one of the greatest experiences ever. I stuck with that therapist for March through October. And which is actually October is about the point in November 1st is technically mine and my husband's anniversary of when we got married and eloped. But I...It was a really good turning point for how I communicated with my husband, the struggles we were seeing, and how to soften my tone because I was I didn't realize how much resentment I was holding from four years of being alone. Up to that point, you know, most people think an affair is going to happen, you know, right? When you find out, oh, well, you can't move. But I had held on and held on and held on, and I... it just boiled over. And so my husband, you know, obviously accepted my apology. But when I begged him to come home. He, it was a Saturday. And I was like talking about how I'd been praying and praying and praying and like, I've been reading the Bible and everything. And because he was raised Pentecostal apostolic, and I was not raised in a church, I'm a cop's daughter, like, to a tee. Right? So you know, stereotypes. But I told him, and he didn't believe me. And he said that he was going to go to church that Sunday with his parents. And he would consider maybe coming back out the next day, just to spend a couple hours at home and with our youngest. And then the next day, Sunday, he comes in. And he said you will never guess what the sermon was. The message was today. And I was shocked because it was, you're going to have all these storms in your life. And you have to continue to row through them. If you have any type of faith. You need to row through it. And you will get to the other side. And his coworker is a former addict. And he told him, he goes Micah, you both had to fall apart and nearly lose not just everything with each other. But everything that you've built, even though you were building it separately, to come back together. And so he knows you're going to have to trust that she's going to follow through, like, there's a reason that was the message for today. You know, there's been a lot of times since then that things have oddly happened. And my husband's like, I just don't understand why that's the message. And he gets a little resilient and hesitant, and the resiliency is there. But he gets defiant about it. One time I told him if you don't trust me, God is going to convict you. You know, I was kind of being blasphemous and hateful, but I said he's going to, you're going to be convicted of it at some point. And he goes, you don't need to speak for God. And this is before Thanksgiving. So between our anniversary of him of things like really closing out, and he's never prayed outwardly, I begged him over and over. I'm like, please pray with me. Pray over our meals and like, let's move forward, let's be renewed, and he was adamant about never praying. He was. I have never prayed in my 30 years of life in front of anyone.


Dawn Taylor 39:52


Wow!


Hannah Bailey 39:53


Yeah, he was. I will not start because I think it's showy. And I was like, okay, like I was crying because we were going to my family's Thanksgiving. And then, on Thanksgiving Day, we went to his parents house. And his dad goes, hey, Micah, we want you to, like, I don't have much contact with his parents whatsoever. Because of this whole situation, you know, and like, keeping everyone at arm's length, like, I told him, I want us to really be renewed. But on our terms, no one intervening, No one putting words in everyone's ears or like a bug and trying to sway one way or the other. I said I want to. I want a whole year just me and you to fix this. And if it doesn't work, it doesn't work. And then you can go back and say, they're right, it's fine. They can have their conversations, then whatever. So it's Thanksgiving Day, his dad said, your mom really wants you to pray over dinner. And he looks at me with this look of anger. And I'm over here trying not to jump out of my skin in excitement. Because I had not talked to his mom. And on the way home. He's like, Did you say something? I said, no, I said, I was like really ready to just feel I was like, oh my gosh, its happening! It was two weeks before I plead, you know, you're going to feel conflicted at some point. And I had waited and waited. And I didn't argue with him. I'm just like, God, pull through for me right now, please. Um, he did pray. Reluctantly. And, you know, then Christmas rolls around. And there are family members who really don't like either of us. They don't, they actually stated that they don't want to be around me if I'm at any family functions, and I said that's fine. I understand.


Dawn Taylor 41:54


Yeah.


Hannah Bailey 41:56


I said Micah, you can go by yourself with the girls. I'm not going to go. And he told them. If Hannah's not invited, I'm not going. This is a boundary that I'm so, just proud of and impressed with because these are his family members, not mine. And these are people who I told him for years, you know, they're not coming to visit you. They're not calling you. While you're in the Navy, they didn't reach out to you after deployment. I scheduled, you know, events, welcome home events, like going away events whenever you deployed when you enlisted when you were home because they hadn't seen you. And I would give them three months notice because he has to submit time off, you know, it's not like a quick thing. And people wouldn't show up. And so he would just write it off as it is what it is at the time. And now he sees the truth, unfortunately, and we do have some family members that have asked to see me and him. He's gone to one outing. But he's been really firm. And that was something another thing like in our marriage. Initially, I was like that no one's respecting our boundaries as married people. You know, we were the only people that don't live. We are the only family members that don't live in the same city, within a couple miles of each other. We're doing our own thing. We don't ask for money. And we're just really trying to put down our roots. And I think dependency is something that there's a struggle over there. And I can't speak for everyone, but he has really let go and opened up and really respected our marriage and family. And that was something that I didn't see before in the first four years because you know, he's coming home, I'm trying to accommodate to everyone, and then people would ask him, hey, come see us. And he would accommodate to them. And it was very insulting, you know, and that's, I think that you know, plays another factor of respect my time and space, really, I mean, I don't really have the right words for it, but like respect, what we can give, and stop asking for everyone to accommodate to you. And he would bend over backwards. And it was actually an insult to me because it's like, you know, I'm his wife, we have the kids, and you're asking more of his time instead of saying, wow, you haven't seen your family and three months,, six months, I hope you guys have the best time. And so, you know, that played a huge part. And in all of this, I'm not gonna blame anyone because, you know, my actions or my actions, but there's been a lot of growth. And it's, I was giggling with the first wife about how you know how we came to be. She has always encouraged us. She stayed in contact with me fairly, talk once a day. I've told like,


Dawn Taylor 45:01


Wow!


Hannah Bailey 45:02


Yeah, she has five kids under the age of seven. It's impressive. Like she's got.


Dawn Taylor 45:07


Oh, my goodness! Yeah!


Hannah Bailey 45:12


it's incredible. There's been a lot of forgiveness and healing and so much more communication and conversation.


Dawn Taylor 45:21


Yeah.


Hannah Bailey 45:22


I feel like my needs are met. Obviously, he's home now full-time, well, full-time. You know other than work, but it's very different. I say, you know, like, the next five years are going to be very different. The first five years were a trial. But it's not everyone's going to heal from it. It takes a lot of self-reflection and transparency. There's a lot of human flaws in this. And room for error, too, you know, things are going to just happen, and they're never going to happen the way that you think that they're going to happen. You know, an affair is not an end all be all, either. And I think a lot of people see it as this, like, just horrible, horrible thing. And it can be, or if you have the acknowledgment of your own flaws and failures, and where you're struggling, I think there's a lot of grace. And it's so hard to come up with the right words because there's really no way to put this into words for me of how emotional it can be and reviving. And I sound so bad sometimes because I'm going to be like, she doesn't care. And that's not the case. I've had to do a lot of apologizing. I care. I actually care a lot about this. I care a lot about the man that it happened with. He's been nothing but what I consider an angel. Obviously, he did not respect my husband because it wouldn't have happened if he did. And he said, but he respected me enough to say, you know what, this is what's best for you guys. And it's not like this thing that I'm just going to do until my girls, you know, grow up. I just I have no contact with this man. He said I don't want to be a temptation for you. So I'm going to block your conver-, like our phone numbers from each other. And that was it. I don't know. I don't know where he is anymore. I know, he moved. That's all I know. But it is there's a lot of respect that's come out of this and well wishes that this is something that we grow and heal from, and obviously there's always going to be like a twinge I, that my husband is going to think naturally, you know, okay, well. What about, I don't know, like, are the contractors gonna try something? You know, things like that, as we have people in and out working on the farm. But I can't, I all I can say is that the conversation that we've had, every single day, day in and day out, is full of nothing but love between my husband and I. I now look forward to getting up at 5am to make him breakfast and send him off to work. And I look forward to when he comes home. I don't feel any sense of anger towards me. We, the person who was who I thought was going to blackmail me, has since gifted us a very, very big connection to getting free horse stalls. And finishing up our barn. He this, he literally was doing contract work for someone about 45 minutes south of us. And the guy asked if we if he knew someone who could use them, and...


Dawn Taylor 48:53


Yeah.


Hannah Bailey 48:54


Offer them up to us. And it was incredible. And we just got it all started and almost done.


Dawn Taylor 49:01


Amazing.


Hannah Bailey 49:02


So you know someone who I, who had said some negative, hateful things to me. And I thought it was going to try and run my name through the mud and make me out to be this horrible person really came back around full circle with kindness and grace. And a lot of people have assumed what's happened, but they don't understand the human needs that were met. They don't understand that I'm human. They, I think, also it breeds fear that, oh my god, if this.


Dawn Taylor 50:23


Right? Like, it's not that at all. But it's, every situation in life is a gift. Whether it's a positive or negative, or good or bad, it's always a gift. And it's like, what are you gonna do with it? That's the biggest! That is the biggest one. I know we have talked about that earlier. Right, is judgment comes from place of fear.


Hannah Bailey 50:35


Right.


Dawn Taylor 50:35


Always. And I think that anyone who's listening to this today, they can judge. Let them judge. If that's what they need to do because it makes them feel safe, let them judge but I hope that anyone listening today is also going Holy Cow. You never know what's going on in someone's life. You never know the behind the scenes situation. You don't know what led them to that point. Right? That actually caused that to happen that caused the situation. But also the gift that can come out of it. Right? I'm not saying, like, everybody go have an affair. It's gonna change your marriage and life.


Hannah Bailey 50:35


Yeah. Exactly, you know, and I think because, like, I'm a child that went a lot. I'm not a child, but I am a child of someone who it witnessed it. And I witnessed the ugly side growing up. I was adamant, I was like, you know, I, this, I don't want this to happen to me. And then, honestly, when it did, I realized it doesn't make me any less of a person if I'm going to actually change the path that it goes because a lot of people will just sit and simmer and allow it to fester and know more drama, and let it define them. You know, I have a mentor, coach that helps me with a lot of business stuff. And he also had an affair, and he has this beautiful wife and family now and businesses and real estate. And it's incredible because you know, I would have never, ever thought of that had happened. And when I went to him about it, he said, you know what, let me... He laid it all out for me. And I was just in shock because this man is a who I find to be so holy and righteous and inspiring and helpful, plays in the church band, it's just, you come to find that everyone has a testimony, you know, there are people that are going to judge addicts, you know, it's just, it's sad, because there are people that are using something to lean on to fill a void, and that man was filling the void for me. And he knew that he knew that, and I don't think he saw me as vulnerable. Because I didn't feel vulnerable, I was able to open up femininely and walk amongst him without feeling like I had to be overpowering. You know, like I said earlier, I you know, I felt very overconfident my ego, my I made my husband insecure because I was compensating or trying to compensate for what he wasn't doing for me. I wanted the attention and love and I wanted to be the one that led. But then when I met someone who would lead me and I didn't have to lift the finger, I didn't have to ask for anything. It was so refreshing. Now my husband is that man, but it took him nearly losing me to step up and put his foot down in a lot of other areas of his life, not just in our marriage. And so you know why he didn't do it with his first marriage? I don't know. That's not up for me to decide. But it worked out how it worked out. Because now I have another great friend with his wife like her his first wife and I'm like, Sister Wives. That has sucked me in lately... No, but it really does go to show like you learned from everything. Absolutely. Everything. I started to hate myself at first for it. And then I realized, like, if I'm vulnerable and honest about it, no one can hold it over my head. And I can I won't. I won't deteriorate from this. You know, the this is not something that is an end all be all. This doesn't mean I'm less worthy of being successful. This doesn't mean I'm less worthy of love. This just means that I'm human. And I wouldn't even the sad thing is like I wouldn't call it a mistake. Because a mistake would be literally losing absolutely everything. And there's been so much good that has come out of this that I would have never been able to dream up for myself. And it's not something that I condone, to say the least. Because there's a lot of emotions in it and you will feel lost more times than not until you fix yourself there. I don't know I it's really hard to to like, get it all out.


Dawn Taylor 53:10


It's okay. It's okay. I think you've said everything in the most... That is quite the show! Yes! Yes. I could not do that!I could not do that. Just saying


Hannah Bailey 53:45


I think...


Dawn Taylor 54:07


In the most real way, in the most real way. And what I mean by that is, like you said, you're not condoning it, but you're human. And I think so many people hold so much shame around things that they've done, whether it's an affair or addiction, or just life mistakes that we've made, right. And we are all just humans trying to human every day just a little bit better. And I just wanted to thank you. Thank you, Hannah, for being so vulnerable, for opening up for talking about it for allowing us to see the inside of it, but also for feeling so inspired, that if someone has gone through this, or they're going through it, that they could fix their marriage. They can heal it that it can be better than ever in the end. Because I think we're all so scared of this happening in our lives, that we don't want to believe it could ever happen to us.


Hannah Bailey 56:01


Right.


Dawn Taylor 56:02


Right. We don't want to believe that it could be us. But knowing if it did, we could overcome it too.


Hannah Bailey 56:08


Right. Yeah.


Dawn Taylor 56:09


Right. And we could, we could figure out how to heal our marriages, fix our marriages, but also do the work to go. Okay, wait. It's not just their fault. It's not all them that caused it, right. Like it was, there were three parties involved. Right? And so much of that is coming from that trauma place.


Hannah Bailey 56:30


Yeah.


Dawn Taylor 56:30


Is there any last words of advice you want to give or one last thing you'd like to say to our listeners?


Hannah Bailey 56:36


it is very hard to apologize to your husband. But when you start apologizing, and or any spouse really for me, my husband, but they'll start apologizing to you, as well. And I it really starts a snowball effect of healing. Because I don't think he ever expected an apology out of me. He never got one when I would be mean and hateful and pick fights. And so when I changed my actions, and I really, I didn't force it, like I wasn't being dramatic. I wasn't playing into the emotions. I just, I took it as action and logic at that point, in the first initial phase, and showed him I am sorry, and then I moved on to my actions of showing that, and I followed through, it got easier. And he started apologizing for things, things started moving in his head of wow of this. I did this to her when I stopped yelling and our fights when I stopped cussing in our fights. And I just said, Okay, I understand. And I let it, and I actually talked to him. And I let him explain himself. And I didn't engage. Things got so much easier.


Dawn Taylor 57:59


That's amazing. Thank you, again, so much for hanging out with us today. If you guys want to bind Hannah and connect with her, follow her, her homestead, her farm, all of her amazing things that she's doing in life. Please check out the show notes. I hope that something you heard today hits home that, has shifted something in you, and prove that you're not alone and that you can fight for yourself a little bit harder. Join us again in two weeks for another amazing topic. And please tell your friends, more people that feel understood, always the better. Subscribe now on Apple, Spotify or wherever you listen to your podcasts. And if you'd love the show, it would mean the world if you left a rating and a review. And yeah, show notes at the taylorway.ca for more information and all of the contact stuff if you do want to connect

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