Dawn Taylor|5/22/2023

Transcript

DAWN TAYLOR

I am your host, Dawn Taylor, and today we are talking to the courageous Samantha Foote. And the reason I say that is we are going to be diving deep on the topic of miscarriages. So before we get started, I want to tell you a little bit about our guest today so that you can be as excited as I am. Samantha is a mom, wife, a podcaster herself, but she's also a board- certified neurologic music therapist. That sounds cool. I'm like, I don't even know what that means, but that's amazing. A positive discipline and parent educator, a registered music teacher. She's a bachelor of science, a master's of music. She's done all kinds of crazy things. She loves fishing, camping, other outdoor adventures. She is a passionate woman about all things and I love it, I love it so much. And she has courageously decided to come on here today and talk about miscarriages. So, welcome to the show, Samantha, what is it that you wish people had actually been talking about? 

SAMANTHA FOOTE

I wish that people would actually talk about miscarriage and that it's so common. It's in 25% of women, I think.

DAWN TAYLOR

Yeah.

SAMANTHA FOOTE

And so no one talks about it. That we know of. It's in 25% of women. Like, the last thing that I saw.

DAWN TAYLOR

Right. Hey, so let's talk about this. I know so many people. I don't think I know people that haven't had a miscarriage at this point in my life, right. Like so many people have. And one of the things that we had talked about prior to jumping on this recording is all of the emotions that go into it, all of like, the before, the during, the after, all of the shifts and changes so let's dive right into this. Tell us a little bit about your story.

SAMANTHA FOOTE

I don't know if it's different, but I was done having kids. I didn't want any more kids. I was done. I had three kids. I got rid of all my baby stuff. I was just like, I need to have another baby. And I felt like that was, like, God telling me, you need to have another baby. Another person needs to come into your family. And so I was like, okay, fine. I'll get pregnant. I'll have a baby. It will be awesome. And then it took a while. Usually when I try to get pregnant, I get pregnant right away. And it took a few months, and I was like, "What is this?" But I got pregnant, and everything was fine, but I wasn't feeling as sick as I normally feel. And I'm like, well, this is awesome. I'm not as sick as I normally am during pregnancy. And we went to the first appointment. Everything was great. They said, the baby is growing. The baby is right where it needs to be. All this stuff. And then about a month later, I went back for just a routine prenatal appointment. And the doctor was like, "Well, this darn thing. I can't find a heartbeat using this doppler. But, you know, it happens all the time. So I'm just going to get our little ultrasound machine." And then he brings in the ultra sound machine. And I wasn't even thinking that anything was wrong at this point. I'm like, "Oh, everything's fine." And he's like, "Oh, I can't find what I need to find using this ultrasound machine. We need you to go get an actual ultrasound." 

At this point, I'm like, "oh, something's wrong. Something might be wrong with my baby." And so I went to get luckily, they got me right in because it was spur of the moment and so sometimes you have to wait a while. But luckily they got me right in. And I knew as soon as she, 'cause I've been in a lot of other ultrasounds before, and I knew as soon as she turned on the sound to listen to the heartbeat, there was just complete silence. And I was like, "The baby looks a little weird. I feel like it should be bigger or something." And there was just complete silence, and that was the most awful moment of my entire life. And then the nurse was just, the ultrasound tech, just said, "I can't find a heartbeat. I need to go get the doctor." And just left me in the room by myself. I had no one there with me. I just found out my baby had died, and she just, I don't know what I want medical professionals to do, but something other than, "I can't find a heartbeat. I need to go get the doctor." And then they just left me in the room for a while, and the nurse comes in, and she's like "You need to come back and talk to the doctor." Nothing like "I'm so sorry. Can I get you anything?" I don't know. It was just very cold, I felt like. 

And so I went back to the doctor's office, and he was like, "Well, these are your options. You can let it pass naturally. But, the baby died a month ago." It was the day after my first ultrasound that the baby stopped growing. And he was like, "So, I don't recommend, like, waiting because it's already been in there dead for a month, and that can lead to infection and stuff." And I was like, "Oh." and I'm still processing - my baby's dead. And he just went through the options. He's like, you can do a DNC. "We can get you medication to try and pass it naturally. What do you want to do?" And I'm like, "I don't know."

DAWN TAYLOR

How far along you were again, at this point?

SAMANTHA FOOTE

I was almost twelve weeks. 

DAWN TAYLOR

Okay, so you have been sitting with this pregnancy for a while already, like, you had known you were pregnant?

SAMANTHA FOOTE

Yeah, I was puking every day. All the normal pregnancy things, it just wasn't as severe as the other pregnancies were. And so the doctor is like, "Well, I think you need to get a DNC." And so I scheduled that, but then it was like five days later and I don't know, once again, I don't know what I expect the medical community to do. This is an unexpected thing, but just to sit there with like, the baby still inside you and just, 

DAWN TAYLOR

Hey, what about compassion?

SAMANTHA FOOTE

Yeah.

DAWN TAYLOR

I get that they do this every day. I get that this is their world. But, even to pause and say "I'm sorry." Even to pause and go, "I know that this is very difficult for you to process right now. Do we need to call someone?" Like, wow, what has our world come to? 

SAMANTHA FOOTE

There was none of that. There was just like, well, this is what's happened. And then he's like, "I'm sure you can get pregnant again. I don't think it would be a problem." I'm like, "I am not even thinking about that right now." No, wait, I did ask. I was like, well, "Do we know the reason why this happened? Can we do testing?" Because I know a lot of women that have multiple miscarriages, and the doctor doesn't do anything to test or see what's wrong until they've had three. And, I don't know why we're not doing this the first time it happens, because why do you want to put a woman and man like, just a couple through that when you don't have to? I went to a person, nurse practitioner, after everything happened, and she's like, yeah, "You're low on progesterone. If you would have been taking progesterone, you probably wouldn't have had a miscarriage. Like, I can't say for sure, but if you get pregnant again, you need to go on progesterone." And I have heard that helping for so many women, and their doctor doesn't say anything about it until they've had three miscarriages. I don't understand that.

DAWN TAYLOR

So, what ended up happening for you? 

SAMANTHA FOOTE

I got a DNC, and that was the awful experience, not the actual procedure that I got done. But I said, "Are there any side effects that I should know about that I should be looking for?" And they're like, "No, you're going to bleed for a few days, and then you'll be good to go." I said, "Okay, that's great." I didn't bleed at all. And then after that, I couldn't stop. And so I asked my doctor, "What do I do about this?" And he's like, "Well, just let it go on for a little while. We can put you on birth control and see if the helped." And I was like, "Well, I can't take birth control because it makes me crazy." Then one day, I don't even know what the heck happened, but this might be gruesome. I don't know. 

DAWN TAYLOR

Okay. I mean, any man who's listening to this right now, a) you probably should be, so you understand? So if you're married, you know what your wife is potentially going through or could go through, but a woman going through it. If this is gross right now, pause or skip forward 30 seconds in this podcast, or just listen and hear what happened. 

SAMANTHA FOOTE

Yeah. So they told me there'd be no side effects from the DNC. And all of a sudden, I just could not stop bleeding, clots. It was just like clots of blood were just falling out of me. And I literally thought I was dying because it felt like I was in labor. It was the worst pain. It was worse than labor. It was the worst pain I've ever felt in my life. And I think I went into shock or something. I don't know what happened, but I was calling everyone I knew. I was like, "What do I do? What do I do?" And my sister in law lives next door, so she came over, and she's a nurse, and so she's like, "We need to get you to the emergency room right now." She took me to the emergency room. They ran a bunch of tests and did ultrasound to make sure that my uterus was closed. But, they're like, "We don't know what happened. You're better now. Go home." And that just kept happening. I went to the ER, like, three or four more times, and they were like ,one doctor was like, "You need to stop coming here. You're fine." I'm like, "I'm not fine." And all this was happening while I was still grieving. And I was afraid for my body, for what was happening, and I was still grieving my baby. And it was horrific.

DAWN TAYLOR

I'm so sorry. 

SAMANTHA FOOTE

Thank you. 

DAWN TAYLOR

The things that we deal with as humans that nobody talks about. 

SAMANTHA FOOTE

Yeah. 

DAWN TAYLOR

Right? And people go through this over and over and over. So I will put a caveat out there that some people miscarry and have no issues with it. Some people, they don't connect to the baby in utero yet because they haven't felt the kicking or they haven't seen the heartbeat or they haven't done any of those things. And they're fine. And that's beautiful. But for yourself and for a lot of people at twelve weeks, that was your child. 

SAMANTHA FOOTE

Yeah. Right. 

DAWN TAYLOR

And it's incredibly hard. It's incredibly hard on you. So how long did this go on for before you finally started to, I mean, a) feel human again but also for your body to recover? 

SAMANTHA FOOTE

My body recovered. I finally went and saw a nurse practitioner. Well, I talked to my OB and he was like, we're going to put you on birth control in the mini-pill because it's not as hormonal. And I still kept bleeding. And still kept bleeding. And so I was like and the mini-pill was, like, making me crazy. And so I'm like, "Well, I need to go off of this, but what do I do about the bleeding?" And they're like, "Well, that was never going to stop the bleeding." And I'm like, "Why'd you put me on it?" I was also having symptoms of like, my legs would go numb and I couldn't breathe. And so I went to a nurse practitioner, and she ran a thyroid panel. Ferridin, iron. What else? Progesterone. That's where we found out that I was low on Progesterone, really low on iron. And my thyroid was I had hypothyroidism. And so, once I got the progesterone, changed my life. I finally stopped bleeding, and I have normal normalcy now. And the iron made it so I wasn't feeling numb. And I could breathe again because oxygen wasn't getting to my body because I was so low on iron. So, yeah. My body healed about August, so it was about five months. And. I'm still working on getting fast in this carriage. It's been a year. It was a year in March. The hardest thing was I told my kids that when I was pregnant, I was like, "Oh, you're going to have a brother or sister." And they were so excited. And they were seven and five and two at the time, so the two year old had no idea what was going on. She was just like, "Whatever." But, then I had to tell them that the baby died, and they didn't really react to it at all. They didn't do anything. They're just like, "Okay." And then after that, my five year old started just hating me. Like, he would tell me, "I hate you." all the time. And he would just be very physically aggressive with me and verbally aggressive. And I was like, "What is going on?" So we got him in counseling, and he does behavioral intervention because he has autism and, about six weeks after I told him about the miscarriage, he started being kinder towards me and not disliking me so much. And then he was talking to his behavioral therapist and said, "I was really mad at my mom, but now we're good." She's like, "Oh, why were you mad? And he's like, "Because the baby died. She made the baby die." 

DAWN TAYLOR

Let's just sit with that for a second. In that moment, I want to talk about the emotions that go into a miscarriage. So for listeners, if you've listened to any of my episodes, you know that I couldn't have kids and I couldn't be a mom. And that comes with its own set of emotions. But what are some of the emotions that go with having a miscarriage? What are some of the beliefs that we've bought into as a woman, even on what a miscarriage means? Let's talk about that for a sec.

SAMANTHA FOOTE

Yeah. I was in complete despair. There's only been one other time in my life that I was that hopeless and just not I didn't want to go on. I was like, I did something to cause this. 

DAWN TAYLOR

Hey, right? I'm going to cause this. This is my fault. Right? So the guilt, the shame, the victimizing of ourselves in that moment, and then to also have your child kind of tell you you murdered their sibling. 

SAMANTHA FOOTE

Yeah, exactly. 

DAWN TAYLOR

 I shouldn't laugh. I'm, like, just think about that for a second. And for anybody listening, if you have gone through this and you've had a miscarriage, I am so incredibly sorry, but 

please hear me when I say this. You didn't do anything wrong. You did nothing wrong. 

You didn't cause it. There's not a way that you short of actually potentially how do I word it? Short of actually intentionally causing harm to your own body to cause a miscarriage. 

It's nature. It's science. It's it, there's nothing you could have done. Right. And, I mean, we're not doctors, so go see a doctor. Both the progesterone go ask these questions, but with that as well, is, like, be an advocate for yourself. Like, step up and fight for yourself, when it comes to your health. But, those emotions how did your family deal with it? How did your husband deal with it? How did they support you? 

SAMANTHA FOOTE

My family and my friends were so supportive. Like, my mom took my kids for, I think, almost a week just so I could get ready for the DNC, process everything and yeah, then have some time to heal. And my in laws actually took my kids the day it happened, and they spent some time with them because my kids didn't need to see me. I was a wreck. But it was weird. In that moment, I was like, all I want is to hug my kids. I just wanted to be with them. But at the same time, I was glad for the solitude, I guess. 

DAWN TAYLOR

To process. 

SAMANTHA FOOTE

And my friends, they brought me flowers, they brought me self care kits and just so many things. And I actually put it so a week before I found out, I put on Facebook that I was pregnant. Everyone kept congratulating me on it because it was so new. And so I put out there. Something about it just didn't work out. I had a miscarriage. And I had so many people reach out to me and be like, thank you for talking about it. And they just said, thank you for telling us that this happened so we can support you. And this is my experience. And I had so many people's experiences of their miscarriages and how they brought me food, but at the same time, it's all that happening. It was the most lonely experience of my life. I don't even know how to describe it. Well, I know that other people were going through it, but at the same time, it felt like no one understands what's happening right now because of the circumstances that happened before I got pregnant, why I was having this child. And I'm so grateful for people reaching out. But I've talked talked to a lot of other women about miscarriage, and they're like, it is a very lonely experience. I feel like people give you about two weeks, and then after that two weeks, you should be back to normal. You should be back to normal life. And I was still grieving. So that time, that's when I felt more alone. I'm like, "Oh, I just need to get back to life." Get back to normal, because life has to go on. And it's okay to take time. It's okay to take all the time you need to grieve. No matter what you're grieving. If you're grieving, take the time. It's fine. 

DAWN TAYLOR

It's so important. It is so important. So in that, how did your husband deal with it? 

SAMANTHA FOOTE

I don't know, because he wouldn't talk to me. He seemed like he was doing fine, so we never really talked about it, like. we talked about it in that I was like, "This is how I'm feeling." And he'd just be like, "Yes, I agree." So it's really hard to, I think it's hard for men, especially because well, my husband did say this. He said it was hard to grieve to show my grief because I was supporting you, and so I had to be strong for you. And I was like, and it's like that whenever I had kids. He got postpartum suppression depression, the male version of it. And I had postpartum depression, but mine was so severe. Everyone was focused on me, and I was trying to focus on him. It was just a mess. But I think that people need to remember the partner in a miscarriage. It's not just the person that was pregnant. Like, everyone's grieving. 

DAWN TAYLOR

It's interesting. Everyone is. And you hear all these statements about, like, you need to wait till you're at least three months before you tell people. Right? Anybody, even your kids. So that, if there is a miscarriage, that nobody knows. 

SAMANTHA FOOTE

Yeah. 

DAWN TAYLOR

And while I think that that is very smart to do right again, can't say this from experience, but yes, it saves a lot of it, but it does also create a very lonely situation. And I've been talking to friends lately about menopause. No one talks about menopause, no one talks about postpartum, no one talks about any of these things. No one talks about miscarriage. Right. And in the grieving process, I wonder sometimes that people don't understand that 

it's not just the loss of a child, it's the loss of the child's future. 

SAMANTHA FOOTE

Yeah. 

DAWN TAYLOR

So tell me if I'm wrong, but as soon as you found out you were pregnant, you also went into, like, how is this going to fit with the three kids and where's the bedroom going to be and what's this going to look like and what are we going to name them? And how is this going to play out? We create this massive story on what's going to happen with this child, and it's no different than when we're grieving anything or anybody, right? We've already pre-created the future on it and on how all of it's going to go down. Right? Yeah, exactly. Then when it dies, whether it is a child or even a dream job or, like, a parent or grandparent or life, as it was supposed to be known as, right. Like, how it was supposed to go down. You're not just grieving the loss of the child with the thing in the moment. It's the whole future that you have to unravel, right? It's like you knit too far on your scarf, and now you have to unravel all of that and take out that thread and then reravel it again. 

SAMANTHA FOOTE

Yeah, I started getting my baby stuff back from people that I loaned it to. Well, that sounds weird. I gave it to them, but I was like, hey, I'm pregnant. And they're like, oh, we're not using this. You can use it. Totally. It was from my husband's cousin. And then my mother in law bought an outfit for the baby, and so I had that hanging up, and I was all excited. And I actually did have dreams about the baby being in our family and growing up, and it was really interesting, but I just had all these dreams. Like, very vivid dreams of the baby in our family and growing into toddlerhood. And that sounds really weird, but I envisioned the future, like you said, and because I was so certain that I was supposed to have a baby, I didn't think that anything bad was going to happen. But, things happened.

DAWN TAYLOR

They really do. So for someone else going through this, a couple of different pieces, number one, what do you recommend? What do you recommend?

SAMANTHA FOOTE

Telling people? Tell people especially. Okay, I had a chemical pregnancy through five years ago. Your body thinks you're pregnant, but you're not actually pregnant. 

DAWN TAYLOR

Oh, crazy. 

SAMANTHA

Okay. So I got, like, a positive pregnancy test and everything, and I was really tired. I had pregnancy symptoms, but there was never a baby. And so I would consider that a miscarriage too. But at that time, I was only six weeks. It was only six weeks along, and so I didn't tell anyone, and that was awful. And actually, I told my boss. Because I had to miss work. And she's like, Well, "I don't understand why you have to leave. Like, you're just bleeding." And so I would say, advocate for yourself in healthcare and in your workplace, because if your work can't give you a few days off to have a miscarriage, then you might need to rethink working there. I told my boss, I was like, "I'm taking a few days off. I'm not sitting in the office having horrible pain and dealing with all my emotions while I'm trying to work. That's not fair to anybody." But, I have heard stories of women that their bosses are like, "No, you have to work." And they will sit there working while this awful thing is happening to them, and that's not okay. Employers need to do better. Employees need to stand up for themselves and be like. "No, this is not happening." 

DAWN TAYLOR

Yeah. So, I know that in Canada, is there I don't know if you can get parental leave unless you're so far along? 

SAMANTHA FOOTE

You can get FMLA. I think the problem, I don't know how it works exactly, but I know you can get FMLA, which is the Family Medical Leave Act. 

DAWN TAYLOR

Okay. And you're in the States. 

SAMANTHA FOOTE

Yeah. And you can get that, but there are certain criteria you have to meet to get it. But, I know you can get that at any time for any family medical issues. It doesn't just have to be after you have a baby, but there are a lot of requirements in order to get that, which is ridiculous. Um, but we don't have to get into that. 

DAWN TAYLOR

No, but it's also, like it's made so hard, and I think, too, like I said earlier, everybody deals with it different. Everybody grieves it different. Everyone processes it different. So, for someone going through it, you were talking about tell people, fight for yourself, take the time off. Like, do what you need to do. Now, what about for a spouse or friends or family supporting during that time? What do you recommend or what do you wish you had 

SAMANTHA FOOTE

This is the second time it happened, I was very well supported because I actually told people, and I was farther along, so people recognized it more. The first time I had a miscarriage, everyone's like, "Oh, you're only six weeks. You're not even pregnant." I was like, "But I thought I was pregnant."

DAWN TAYLOR

Your body didn't have to recover the same, but your mind had to. 

SAMANTHA FOOTE

Yeah, and I think that one was easier for me to recover from because I got pregnant, like, the next month, and now I'm not planning on getting pregnant again, so I'm never going to have that baby, which is a whole emotional mess. But, I wish that people would just acknowledge it and say, how can I support you? And I know that, just doing anything, really, Just acknowledging it. So, I had people bring me food. I had people bring me flowers. One of my best friends brought me a self-care kit that had all my favorite things. And, she gave me a stuffed bear because she also had a miscarriage. And, she's like, "Somebody gave me this bear to hold on to instead of holding my baby, and it helped me." And so just people, like, doing really anything. I had someone bring me a loaf of bread that they made, and I was like, "Oh, thank you so much." I had someone loan me a picture. She was like, "You can't have this because I don't know where to buy it, but you can have it for a while." And it was just a picture of Jesus with a baby or with a child. My baby is in Jesus's arms. And then I actually found a picture at a bookstore of, like, hands giving a baby to, like, God. And so you're just giving them up to Him. 

DAWN TAYLOR

That was awesome. 

SAMANTHA FOOTE

So, those are things that help me. Yeah. And counseling. Get counseling. 

DAWN TAYLOR

Talk about that for a sec. 

SAMANTHA FOOTE

I have been in counseling for about ten years, off and on, and had stopped for a while before because I was like, "I'm good. I'm doing awesome." And then I had this miscarriage and just having someone there to talk things through and not judge you and just offer suggestions of things you might do. But, if you tell them you don't want suggestions, then they won't give you suggestions, and they'll just listen. And it was very valid. They're like, you have a lot going on in your life. Take the time to grieve. They give you the permission. They gave me the permission that I needed to do what I need to do for myself. And that was awesome. And just having someone to talk to that's not a family member, so you don't feel like you're burdening your family and friends. I talk a lot, and so I feel like I'm always a burden on my family and friends. And so having a counselor was a really good outlet for me to talk to them and talk things through. 

DAWN TAYLOR

So one thing I would recommend end on the talking piece is often it's about asking someone if they have the capacity for us in the moment. Right. So if you are listening to this and you're like, but I can't afford therapy, but I can't afford those things, there is amazing grief groups where you can do grief therapy. There's miscarriage support groups. There's a lot of options out there. But the other thing is, when we need to talk about something, often that's hard for someone, or we know that it's like, hey, this could bring up emotion for someone, or, you know what, I really need to emotionally dump right now? It is nobody else's responsibility to listen. And I know that sounds super harsh, but it isn't. It isn't anybody else's responsibility. Our job is to find people that can handle that. Our job is to find our support system and find our support group. But I know I've had people even in my own life, I mean, as a trauma specialist doing what I do and doing the personal and business and trauma work that I do with people, I love it. But at the end of the day, I am sometimes, like, tapped out. 99% of the time, at the end of my day, I'm tapped out. Right? And so I have had to put really healthy boundaries in place to not take a phone call or to not have a conversation with someone or to not do that, because I actually don't have the capacity in that moment to be who I want to be for them. Right? And so I've often talked to clients about, say, to someone, or it's like, "Hey, I really need to talk through something. I really need to just verbal diarrhea, or I really need to just like, I need to word right now, right? Do you have any time for that?" And that actually gives the other person on the other end permission to go, "Yes, I do, 100%. And now I can give you my full focus." 

or "You know what? I don't right now, but I do on this day or at this time or in this moment." Because it's so much more impactful when they can actually show up in the way that they desire to and in the way that they want to. 

SAMANTHA FOOTE

Yeah. I actually asked my husband, before I talked to him about verbally dumping on him, I say, "Can I talk to you? Is now a good time?" Because if it's not and I start talking, and then he's just on his phone or on the computer and just be like, "Yeah, I'm listening." "No, you're not. You're not listening." And that's fine. If he needs to do something, that's fine. But I think it's very important to ask people before you start just dumping on them. Because also, when people do that to me, sometimes I don't have the capacity, like you were saying, and I'm already in a like I'm not in a good mental state to take on their emotions, too. 

DAWN TAYLOR

Yeah, it's funny. Had people get mad at me for it. Oh, I've had people get pissed when I don't have that capacity for them. And I'm like, "No, I can't actually take your call right now. And it's not going to benefit you in any way, shape or form if I do take your call right now." Because, I can't as a friend, I can't as someone who you're asking advice from, I can't. I can't show up for you. And it comes down to so many expectations, right? And expectations that we put on people, expectations that we are constantly like, we're, always, like, needing our own expectations met and we sometimes can't grasp the fact that somebody else can't meet them. 

SAMANTHA FOOTE 

Yeah. 

DAWN TAYLOR

Right? So for somebody who has had a miscarriage and say they're like six months in and they're not handling it well yet, and they're grieving so hard, do you have any recommendations for them or any ways that they could get different support? Right. Is it the therapy that they need? I know I personally, I didn't have miscarriages, but I couldn't have kids, right, nd so one of the things that I did was I actually had, like, a mini funeral for my babies and it was just something that I did by myself, right? But I went and got some flowers and I wrote some letters and wrote out my dreams of what I had for them, wrote out, like, who I wanted them to be and I actually had, like, this little funeral for my babies that I was going to have and that I'd always dreamt of having, and there was something in that. There was something in naming those children, in having that funeral. But in grieving right in that moment, allowing myself to grieve, that's so hard. That was so, so healing for me and allowed me to have a piece of closure on it that I couldn't prior to. And I know that's what I did, and it worked very well for me. Is there something that you have done that you would recommend? 

SAMANTHA FOOTE

Counseling, number one. And then the second thing is see a doctor, because you might need medication to help get through it. There's all these emotions. Like your body changes so much, even with just a miscarriage. I don't want to say just a miscarriage. I just meant even if you don't have a full term baby, your body still changes. There's still hormones that are in play, and you might need to get your hormones checked. And there are if, If you don't want to do individual counseling or you can't afford individual counseling, there are some great miscarriage support groups that you can attend. And just, I don't know, I think having a funeral like you did is a great idea that brings such closure. Like, I did that in my own way and that really helped me to know that it was going to be okay. Everything. I am a very religious person, and so I firmly believe that I will see that baby again someday in heaven, you know. And so just leaning into that really helped., and just letting others help you, not just trying to do it all yourself 

DAWN TAYLOR

Well and asking for what you need. Right? But also sometimes saying, like, I don't know what I need. Can you just sit with me, right? As part of my process of grieving. Grieving a baby. One of the things that I did was my childhood bestie. We had planned to raise our babies together. And with her first, we met in a town that was halfway in between our houses. So we had both, I think she'd gone like 5 hours. I had driven about eight and we met in this town, and we went baby shopping together. We looked at car seats and we looked at high chairs, and we looked at strollers and clothes and all of those things. And she let me sit for hours and feel her kicking baby. And you do those sorts of things. That, for me, was so healing, right? To have someone who was so safe, that wasn't judging me, that wasn't like, "For real, this is ridiculous, Dawn, why are you doing this?" But I was having those moments where it was like, I got to feel like I was part of it and still living out part of that dream. 

SAMANTHA FOOTE

I had a friend who just sat and cried with me. And that was the most cathartic experience, I think, of the whole experience going through that. She just sat there and we cried together because she's had several miscarriages, and she's like and she didn't know. We made plans to hang out that night, and we were going to an event, and a song during the event triggered me, and I just started sobbing, and she was like, "What is wrong with you?" Because she didn't see it on Facebook, because she doesn't have Facebook. And I wasn't telling everyone. She was just like, "Why didn't you tell me?" No, she didn't say that. She said, "Thank you for telling me." And then we just sat there and cried for, like, an hour, and it was awesome. It's very helpful. 

DAWN TAYLOR

That's actually so beautiful. 3s Sometimes that's all we need, right? Yeah. Sometimes I'm like, "Can you just sit beside me? Can you just be in the same room? That's all I need. And if I want to talk about it, I will. If I want to bring it up, I will." See to know that you're safe, and yeah, I would challenge people to do that. Just show up, hold space for someone. 

SAMANTHA FOOTE

Yeah. Just be with them. That's all they need. Just knowing that you're thinking of them is what helps me. Another thing I just thought of this that I did. I felt so lazy because I wasn't doing everything that I normally do, and don't feel bad about that. I watched Castle. I watched like eight seasons of Castle in a time that probably should have been longer than the seasons that I watched.

DAWN TAYLOR

Back on track. How many weeks did it take you to go through eight seasons? 

SAMANTHA FOOTE

It was months But eight seasons of 45 minutes show is a really long show. Yeah, I love that show, and I felt so guilty for being lazy. I'm like, oh, I'm so lazy. But sometimes you just do what you can, and that's okay. Obviously, if it's been too long, then, like you said, get some help. But it's okay to take time and just do what you can. 

DAWN TAYLOR

It really is. I want to thank you so much. The vulnerability, talking about it, saying where you're at. Also admitting the fact that you're not quite there yet, right? Like, you're still in the ring. You're still rumbling through it. You're still dealing with the emotions around it and all of those things. The hardest part of grief is the fact that we left someone. The hardest part of grief is the loss of the idea, right? And I always say there's nothing more powerful than knowing that you love something hard enough that you're grieving it that hard. That says something. It's like, wow, I loved that person that much, that the grief is this hard. How lucky am I? How amazingly blessed am I that I got to have that person in my world, even if it was a baby in your womb for twelve weeks. I can't even imagine how much you love your kids that are on Earth. And that's really beautiful. And so I want to ask you a few silly questions. We always do. Just, like, some silly questions at the end. If you've listened to my podcast, you know this. And I want to ask you the same. Is that okay? 

SAMANTHA FOOTE

Yeah. 

DAWN TAYLOR

Amazing. What is your secret guilty pleasure, way to decompress?

SAMANTHA FOOTE

Oh, watching Castle 100%. I watched it so much. My daughter is three, and she's like, let's watch Castle. And she knew that it was on Hulu, and she knew what episode we were on. And I was like, okay, this is a problem. This has gone too far. I just really like watching shows like that or like, just others. It's not a silly show, but watching like. "No, you don't have to think about it." shows. that also. 

DAWN TAYLOR

Yeah, I'm literally going to add that to my list. I want to watch Castle now. I just have to figure out oh, it says that it's on Disney Plus in Canada. That's awesome. I might be watching that. That might be my next new show. Describe yourself in one sentence. 

SAMANTHA FOOTE

I thought about this, and I just have, like, one word. 

DAWN TAYLOR

Everyone always was like, one word isn't enough. I'm like, okay, say a sentence. No. What is? 

SAMANTHA FOOTE

I am passionate. I am dramatic and passionate and just yeah. 

DAWN TAYLOR

I love that. 

SAMANTHA FOOTE

I have big emotions. 

DAWN TAYLOR

I love it so much. And what do you spend a silly amount of money on?

SAMANTHA FOOTE

Just things that I don't need, like subscription box stuff. Really? Okay. 

DAWN TAYLOR

What are some of your favorite subscription boxes?

SAMANTHA FOOTE

Fab, fit, fun. I love it. And Shoe Dazzle and Fabletics and Adore Me. 

DAWN TAYLOR 

What is Adore Me? 

SAMANTHA FOOTE

It's lingerie. 

DAWN TAYLOR

Oh, okay, 

SAMANTHA FOOTE

I don't get all those things every month, but you can skip the month if you don't want it that month. But I have to skip them all every month and just be like, not this month, not this month, or I have Stitch Fix. Yeah, but I like that you can skip months because I'm not rich enough to be able to afford all that every month. 

DAWN TAYLOR

I was like, that is amazing to get that many treats in the mail. So this is my brain. I'm like, oh, now I want a subscription box. No, I don't need a subscription box, but I will check some of those out. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you, Samantha, for being so vulnerable, so open, so honest, for spending this time with us today. And I hope that as a listener, you heard something today that hit home, that either made you understand someone around you in a different way, helped you to feel seen or heard or shifted something in you a little. Join us again in two weeks for another amazing topic. And please tell your friends, the more people that feel misunderstood, the more people that feel understood, the better. Check out the show notes located at thetaylorway.ca for more information and for all the contact information for Samantha, if you do want to reach out at all, or for myself if you're needing any support at all, but also for links to anything we talked about today, subscribe now on Apple, Spotify or wherever you listen to your podcast. And if you love the show, please leave a rating and review. It would mean the world to me and Samantha. Thank you again.

SAMANTHA FOOTE

Thank you for having me. 

DAWN TAYLOR 

You are so welcome. See you guys in two weeks.

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This podcast (including any/all site pages, blog posts, blog comments, forums, videos, audio recordings, etc.) is not intended to replace the services of a physician, nor does it constitute a doctor-patient relationship. Information is provided for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional medical advice. You should not use the information on this podcast for diagnosing or treating a medical or health condition. If you have or suspect you have an urgent medical problem, promptly contact your professional healthcare provider. Any application of the recommendations in this podcast/website is at the listener/reader's discretion. The views and opinions expressed are those of guests and do not necessarily reflect the opinion or policy of Dawn Taylor, The Taylor Way and or its Associates. The before mentioned are not liable for any direct or indirect claim, loss or damage resulting from the use of listening/reading to this podcast or any website and/or any website (s) linked to/from it. Listeners/readers should consult their physicians concerning the recommendations in this podcast

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