Dawn Taylor| 28/08/2023

Transcript

Dawn Taylor

I am your host, Dawn Taylor, and today we are talking to the amazing Christina. So, topic today, when your life shifts massively, I'm talking like 180 degrees and all control feels lost, how do you get it back? How do you actually walk through that journey? Before we get started, I want to tell you a little bit about our guest today so that you get to be as excited as I am. Christina is the owner of Life Song Films. She's a videographer by day, a single mom of two by night. She's very passionate about her work and helping business owners share their stories. She's also a dedicated mom. She has an incredible village. Pretty sure, if I remember correctly. She also rides a motorbike, which always discerns, like, a little extra respect on my part, because I think that that's awesome. But, I also am honored and proud to call her a friend. So, I just want to say welcome to the show, Christina.

Christina Monai

Thank you. Thank you so much, and actually, I think we're up to a good start because I'm already tearing up. So, that was a beautiful intro. Thank you.

Dawn Taylor

You're welcome. So when we were first talking about you coming on the podcast, one of the things we discussed was a lot of people go through divorce. A lot of people go through shifts in life. A lot of people go through all of these things, but no one talks about it. A lot of people don't talk about it. And you ran into a situation where your life didn't just shift like, your life, took like a 90 degree or 180 degree turn suddenly. And really like, we're going to just dive right in. Let's talk about the day that your life shifted really hard.

Christina Monai

Yes. It was funny when you were talking about like a 90 degree shift in a 180. I'm pretty sure it was 360 at least three or four times in that first little while there. But, it started after a family dinner on Sunday night after everyone had gone home. And I sensed something wasn't right. Men and women all have intuition, but I think women have a little more of it. We just we know we know when something is off or wrong. So I asked, "What's going on?" And my then-husband said, "I don't think I'm in love with you anymore." And my stomach just kind of fell to the floor. And I thought "What?" Whatever. I was expecting him to say, it certainly was not that. And we had a very serious conversation about that. And, he'd gotten to a place where he didn't want to try anymore and I didn't realize he was that far in that thought process, and we had been in counseling to get things on track. Our marriage was not perfect by any means, but we recognized we need to work on things and I thought we were progressing forward with that. And so when that came about, it really shook my world. It absolutely did. But, not totally, because I still had the thought of, "Oh, we'll work through this because we have before, we'll continue to do that." But over the course of the next few days, it became apparent he was not in that same headspace as me. And we had another session with our counselor. Um, we had a session. I think it was joint first. I know he had a solo session, and he came back from that and he came upstairs and he sat down beside me, started to cry, and he said, "I want a separation divorce." And that's when my world just shattered. It did, because he was my first boyfriend, my first kiss, my first love, my first everything. I never dated anybody before him.

Dawn Taylor

Wow.

Christina Monai

And in my mind, we were on track to just go through life together. And to hear that just and I was surprised at the time because I've shared the story before, but I don't share that moment very often. And even now, talking about it, I can feel my eyes are kind of tearing up a little bit because it was such a massive event, right. It's just the person that you think you're going to go through life with that you love so much, and they're not giving that back to you. And I'd never gone through that before. I'd never gone through the process of a breakup and so to be faced with a breakup, my very first breakup was the end of my marriage was pretty earth shattering. It was devastating.

Dawn Taylor

Jarring. How long have you guys been together at that point?

Christina Monai

So we had been together for almost 16 years and married for almost twelve. So I had met him, started dating him when I was 19. And so it was a long time. It was almost getting close to half my life I'd been with him, you know, so to have that go, what hit me first and looking back on it now, I realized I couldn't identify it at the time, but it was anger. And I'd never been angry like that at him before, and it scared me a bit, and so what I did in the moment, I pushed it down and I didn't yell. I didn't let the anger out. I was just very calm, and I kept everything inside. And it was this feeling of, "You are not safe anymore. You are not safe to show my emotions to. You are not safe to share things with." And so in that moment, it was that feeling of my heart closing up a bitt, and that for me, being a heart-centered person, that actually really hurt. That really hurt to have that, because I feel things so deeply, and to feel that was just, oh, I'm tearing up remembering that, because that was such a dark day, and I'd gone through some dark days before. I experienced miscarriage in my marriage and gone through the loss of more than one baby. And so those were dark days. But that moment in particular, that was my darkest. That was my darkest, because the person I thought was going to fight the battle of life with me was putting down his shield and his sword and saying, "No, you're out here by yourself now." And that was super scary. So there was anger. There was fear. There was a lot of fear. Oh, man, so much fear. Because at that point, I'd been a stay at home mom mostly. I'd worked a little bit, but I hadn't worked a lot. And so having been a stay at home mom, it's, what am I going to do now? I had no idea what I was going to do. I had no idea I was going to live where I was going to live. Like, everything just was so up in the air. And for someone who needs to feel grounded and safe and secure. That's very important to me, that feeling of just basically being like I was tossed out on a cliff and there was nothing below me, there was nothing around me. And it was like I was trying to grab onto something. And then my next thought was of my kids, um, because I knew what this would do to them. And at the time, my daughter was about seven and my son was about three or four, and they were old enough they were old enough to know what it was going to be like to have mom and dad together and then have mom and dad apart. And so, that was my thought at the time, was, "What are we going to tell the kids? I don't know how I'm going to do this." And going through that part of me was, and looking back on it, you always look back with 2020, right? And even now, when I'm looking back on that moment, I'm seeing things a little differently because it's been about four years since it happened. So, even today, looking back on it, I'm recognizing new things, which is actually kind of interesting to look back and and think, "Oh, yeah, that was what that feeling was." And it was fear for them. It was fear for my kids as to how they were going to be. So really, in that moment, I was realizing I was going to have to grieve the loss of this relationship and this friendship along with my kids. And that was something that scared the hell out of me, because I didn't know how I was going to do that. I didn't know how I was going to do that. And so over the course of the next week or so, he asked me if that night, after he told me he wanted a separation divorce, he asked me if I wanted him to leave. And I said, "Yeah, I think that would be a good idea."

Dawn Taylor

Great. You know how often I hear this? "Oh, yeah, I want a divorce. Do you want me to leave?"

Christina Monai

"Yeah, you actually already left." And you know what? It's funny, because I was very much a people pleaser back then. And even now, looking back, I'm really proud of past me for being like, "No." That was like the start of me. Speaking up and standing up and saying, "No, I'm not okay with this." And, so he left for about a week, and he stayed with a friend, and we told the kids that this friend needed dad for a bit, and so dad was going to go stay there for a while. And then he came back and I told him, I said, "You're going to tell the kids. I'll be there, and I'll be there with them, but you're going to be the one to tell them." And we actually met with a counselor, the same counselor, marriage counselor we've been working with to figure out how we were going to do this. And she said to tell the kids that mom and dad can't be together anymore. And. to not place blame and not say, well, dad is the one who wanted this. That was very hard for me that was very hard for me to do, because after he told them, obviously that was the second

moment that just kind of broke me a little bit, was seeing how it affected them. And I remember my son seemed to kind of take it in. I chuckle a bit because he seemed to take it in, and it was like, "Okay, can I go play now?"

Dawn Taylor

Amazing.

Christina Monai

So, for that, I was grateful. But my daughter had a really tough time, very tough time. She was really not okay. And after we answered a few of her questions, she went upstairs as well. And then he said, "Okay, well, I'm going to go." And, away he went, and so I stayed, and I'm talking with the kids about it. But that was one of the hardest things I have ever had to go through, and that includes losing my unborn babies. That was the most difficult thing I had to go through because it's been continuous. And just in the last year, things have really started to settle down. So that was about three years of processing and healing and working through that and my kids, too. And trying, that's the thing. Trying to heal and process at the same time as your kids. Good Lord, if there are more people out there who are doing that and you're listening to this, I see you. It's one of the hardest things you'll go through. Exactly. And even when you're processing grief with family, it's a bit different when you're a parent, because you have this perception in your brain that you need to be the strong one, and you need to be the one who is carrying the weight and making it okay, and mom doesn't break. Right? There's this perception. And I think that's actually a sideline of something we don't talk about, is that it's okay for parents to cry in front of their kids. It's okay for parents to share emotions with their kids. It's okay for parents to say, "Look, I'm hurting, I'm sad, I'm upset, I'm angry. Nothing to do with you guys. But I'm feeling these feelings, and I'm crying and I'm upset, and it's okay." And I think I had a friend tell me that because I was thinking I had to be the strong person. I had to just shut it off and hide my crying and all of that. And I actually I'm so grateful to this friend who told me that because I think that's what really helped my kids heal was because I made it okay for them to feel what they were feeling because they saw mom dealing with it. And it is okay.

Dawn Taylor

So let's just pause there for a second. I say this all the time. Our kids today don't know how to grieve. They don't know how to heal. They don't know how to process emotions. And I don't care if I get canceled over this. It is because parents is because adults. It is because we are so busy having the glass of wine to get through the moment, bottling up the emotions, going out and doing all of our grieving outside of the home, or not actually doing any healing work ourselves, that our kids don't ever actually see it. They need to understand that, for example, like, if you lose your job, you're allowed to grieve, you're allowed to be upset, you're allowed to be angry, and then how do you overcome that?

Christina Monai

Exactly

Dawn Taylor

Right? The grieving is hard. How do you overcome that? But I also want to just backtrack a second and say, thank you for being so vulnerable and honest on how hard it was because one of the things that I see all the time is almost this weird celebration of divorce, where it's like, "Oh, it's going to feel so good, it's going to be so amazing." And, yes, sometimes when it's a very toxic environment or you're married to a narcissist or there are a lot of very damaging things going on in the household, yes, sometimes you really need to focus on that. But it doesn't matter. At the end of the day, something died. There is a grieving process that has to happen and not everybody just wants to go out and burn the dress and celebrate the end of it. And it's okay. You'll get someone better and it's okay because it's going to be okay.

Christina Monai

That phrase, just, that you'll find someone better or best. No, that's probably one of the worst things you can say to somebody going through a depression unless they are like, I know, right? It annoys me a bit because even those, like you said, who are okay with it and they're celebrating it sure, okay, then absolutely. Read that vibe. But to come in when someone is grieving and you can tell that they are having a tough time with it, don't say stuff like that because it's not just grieving the loss of the marriage, you're grieving the loss of a friendship at that point because you don't know what's going to happen. In my situation, I'm civil with my ex and we've now come to a place where we can co-parent fairly civilly and calmly, but the friendship is not there. It's gone. And I know that's because of me and I own that because I am not in a place where I can do that yet. There's still healing that I need to do. And I don't know if I'll ever get there, but to tell someone, "Oh, you'll find someone better, please don't." I'll just say that right now. Please don't say that to somebody unless you are 100,000% sure that they are celebrating it themselves. Because like you said, there are situations, sure, absolutely celebrated. But for the most part, it is difficult, and even now it's difficult for the person who ends it. And it's taken me a long time to be able to say that because I carried so much anger and so much frustration and sadness and you carry that grief, right? And it was mostly anger, and that's a feeling I'm not used to feeling. I'm really not used to feeling that and so to feel that, especially towards someone that I was so close with and I had given my heart to in that way, it's taken me a while to say that, but I know it was not an easy decision for him to make. It wasn't, and I know that.

Dawn Taylor

And even just saying that and owning that, right, like. so as a trauma specialist right? Like, I work with people all the time that are walking through divorce. They're wanting to get divorced or dealing with this, and it's never an easy decision, ever, on either side. And it doesn't matter how toxic the relationship is. It doesn't matter how damaging it is. It doesn't mean it's an easy decision. Right?

Christina Monai

Yeah.

Dawn Taylor

It's not an easy decision to get there. So, stay at home mom. And what year was this? What year did this all go down? 2019.

Christina Monai

This was 2019. Yeah. And I had at that point, I was just starting my business that year as well.

Dawn Taylor

Yeah. So you're just starting a business with two small children, which, I mean, obviously is so easy to do. If you did not hear my sarcasm, rewind and hear it again. You already have all that going on, right. You're counting on the support of your spouse, and not just financially, emotionally, with tasks around the house, with caring for the kids, with being the emotional support. Like all of the things right? Like the things we just naturally put on a partner, right? Or the compromise of what we've decided as a couple. But then he kind of peaced out for a while.

Christina Monai

Yeah, and there's been some debate between the two of us as to what actually occurred during that period. So he feels that I kept the kids from him, and from where I was standing, he did peace out. And so, there are two perspectives there for sure. And obviously the truth is somewhere in the middle. But I was going to say from where I am right, sure. What were you going to say?

Dawn Taylor

I was going to say there's always, like, three sides to every story. Right. His, hers, and the truth. Exactly. And here's the caveat to that, is what our perspective was and what we lived is actually our truth.

Christina Monai

Yeah, that is true. The truth that I lived was that he was gone. And it was very difficult for both me and the kids to figure that out, you know, to try and figure out a new normal. And, again, it was part of that. I'm processing the same time as my kids and I'm trying to figure out a new way of being, and there were many times where I would drop the kids off at school and I would get them to school and get them off, get back in the car and the minute I got out of the parking lot, I made sure I had my sunglasses on and I just cried the whole way home because I'd been holding it in all morning and I didn't want the kids to see that. So, there were times where I didn't share my emotions or show my emotions in front of the kids because I knew it was okay to share some of it, but I did not want it to turn into them being in an emotional crutch for mum because I'm definitely not okay with that at all. No. And that was that fine line of trying to figure that out, trying to figure out that balance of what is okay to share and okay, I need to go to somebody else to talk about this. So, I ended up working out a system with the kids where when they would ask me, I would just share what I was feeling. So, "I'm feeling really sad today. My heart is hurting today. I'm having a tough time with being there for you guys." And that, so I tried to keep it very narrow in scope, and I made a very conscious decision to not say anything negative about their dad to them because that is a path I did not want to go down and I did not want to damage their relationship with their dad in any way. As they've gotten older, it's been a little easier to be a little more honest about the situation because they are older, they understand a little more about what's going on, about dynamics between people. So, again, there's that fine line of, I will never say anything negative about their dad to them. I will acknowledge a situation, and I'm sure he does the same. There's been times where I've forgotten to send things or I haven't checked in when I've said, I'm going to check in. So, those things I own. But you acknowledge the reality of the situation. "Oh, yeah, you're right. Mom didn't check in or Dad didn't check in. I'm sure there's a good reason for it and how can I help support you?" was basically how I chose to handle that.

Dawn Taylor

You know, what I've often said to people is, your kids will figure out the other parent's true colors. It might be when they're a teenager. It might be when they're an adult. It's not your job to make your kids see that other side.

Christina Monai

No, it's not. And it's gotten a lot better since the divorce. I will say he's become a very good dad, and he was a good dad before to the kids. But over the last few years, he has done some work on himself, which I'm very grateful for, and I'm very glad that he did, from what the kids have told me. And I hear very good things about how the dynamic is between them now, and I'm very glad for that. And it was one of those things where I actually went through some fear of, well, "What if they like being at their dad's better than mine?" And that's where they want to be all the time and I lose my kids. That was a spiral thought pattern that I went down more than once. More than once. And that is a scary thought path to go down, by the way, if you have ever gone down that path. Oh, my goodness. It is scary AF to think that, because in that process, you've lost someone. And it's not the same as losing someone to death, because that person is still in your life, they are still around and especially if you have to be right. If you have to be in a co-parenting situation as well, you have to see this person regularly and I had to go through the experience twice over of him having a new partner and that was incredibly difficult to go through, and to go through that within six months after the divorce happened, the separation happened. Just really, it really affected my self-worth. And I'm sad to say that now, because your worth shouldn't be dependent on someone else, and I know that now, but at the time, oh, my goodness, there were so many thoughts of "Why was I not good enough? Why wasn't I good enough? Why wasn't I worth fighting for? Why wasn't our marriage worth fighting for?" Right? And all those thoughts just play around in your brain, and there's nobody there to tell you otherwise unless you reach out to someone. Right? And so that felt isolating sometimes. Very isolating,

Dawn Taylor

Absolutely. So everything feels like it's falling apart. Everything is chaotic. What was one of your big first steps to build yourself back up again?

Christina Monai

I reached out to family and friends. That was the biggest thing, was recognizing, I don't know where the thought came from, but immediately in my brain, it was, "I need to talk to this person. I need to talk to this person. I need to talk to this person." And a few of the people were mums who had gone through divorce and who had gone through separation. And I immediately started reaching out to those who I knew, and it occurred to me at the time that I didn't know very many single moms. The majority of my group of friends were married and that felt very isolating and I'm thinking, "I don't know what I'm going do here, because I don't feel like there's much solidarity or understanding of what I'm going through." But I will say for the people that I did have in my life at the time and some who are still in my life, the best way I can describe it is that I felt like I was alone by myself in the middle of the ocean. This giant, black, unforgiving ocean. And all of a sudden, this life raft just came up from underneath me and just picked me up and just held me and it was all the people that I was friends with, family with, all of it. My soccer team at the time, they kept me up. Like, everybody. Everybody came in. And that's the best way I can describe how that felt was just this appeared up out of the water and just gently held me up while I figured things out.

Dawn Taylor

Do you think that that's one of the struggles in our, just even in our society in general right now, is we often think we're the only one going through what we're going through, right? But there's also the ego piece of it where there's shame attached to it, where we don't want to actually admit that we could be hurting or that something went wrong or that we're struggling or any of those things. So, we don't ever ask for help. When, really, we are surrounded by people that would be more than willing. Right? And you didn't say that one person was your life raft. It was a group of people that all were a small piece of that life raft that all banded together, that lifted you up out of the water, right? Do you think that that's where our ego, our ego, our pride, whatever we want to cry gets involved, and then that's what ends up really biting us in the ass? Because it's like, "No, I actually need support and need help right now, and I don't know how to ask for it. But I also don't want to admit that maybe something is wrong."

Christina Monai

I 100% agree. I think that's one of the very big stigmas of divorce still. It was a very big stigma when our parents’ generation even more so, the generation before, it's a little more, I don't want to say accepted, now. It's not a surprise now. And maybe that's just because I'm in that world.

Dawn Taylor

No, it's actually just not a surprise. Incredibly, sadly common.

Christina Monai

Yeah, it is becoming more common, which maybe isn't a bad thing. I know that may be controversial to say, but I think there's more of an understanding that it's not okay to remain in unhealthy relationships. There's something to be said for this is really not working, and it is hurting you, it is hurting me. And maybe this needs to be something that we need to let go, because it is unhealthy. And, I think that is where my ex-husband was, where his thinking was and in a small way, I'm grateful to him for that because I think of where I am now and where I was when I was married. If I was still married, I would still be dying slowly. And I recognize that now. I was dying slowly in that marriage, and I'm pretty sure he was too, you know? So, in order to be able to be healthy and to be whole. Maybe it's not a bad thing and that's probably super controversial, and I know there's probably people who don't agree with it, and I am very much one of those people who is when you're in a relationship, when you're in a marriage, you stand and you fight for that like there is no tomorrow and you don't put down your sword. However, I've been through the situation where, you know what, I should have put down the sword. But hindsight's 20-20, right? It's always 20-20. You look back, you're like, "Well, maybe if I did this differently" or "Maybe I did that differently." But then you can't know how things would have turned out anyways, right? So with this perception that society has around asking for help, I think there's still very much a stigma around that.

Dawn Taylor

So funny. But you know what? That's why it's one of the reasons why I'm even doing this podcast, right, is to try to break some of the stigma in a lot of these things.

It's really easy to judge from your high horse. It's very different when you're in the middle of the situation. And I think that judgment comes from fear. Judgment always comes from fear. Right? And I think to hear someone whose world was completely rocked and it wasn't expected, it wasn't something that was there, right? There was never a thought in your mind, really, that it was going to end in divorce and to have your entire world rock like that, where it's like, "No. Now I have to figure out how to mom on my own, and I have to figure out how to build a business and take care of myself and pay my bills and do all of these things." Right? That you're okay. And that looking back, you can actually maybe it wasn't the end of the world, right?

Christina Monai

It wasn't. It was the end of that world. It was the end of that chapter. It was the end of that Christina, right. So, that chapter needed to happen, and the two best things that came out of that were my kids. My son and my daughter, and I would go through all of that hellfire again just to have them. I would walk through that fire again. And I think that's the truth for any single parent and any parent in general, right? And even those who don't have kids. There's people in your life that you would walk through fire for. So it's not necessarily limited to parents per se, right? Because you could be going through a divorce and not have kids, and it could still be just as painful and just as earth-shattering as mine was, and it's not limited to being a parent, but being able to ask for help. That's where the real strength is, in my opinion. That's stronger than trying to do it all by yourself? Being able to say, "Hey, I'm struggling. I need some help." That's one of the strongest things that you can do. That took me a long time to do and that was actually the same friend who told me it was okay to show my emotions in front of my kids. She's also the one who said, "If someone offers help, say yes." Doesn't matter if you want to say yes. It doesn't matter if you feel like saying yes. Say yes. Accept the help, and that piece of advice right there was the second those two pieces of advice were the best thing that I could have heard when I was going through my divorce. It's okay to show your emotions, whether to your kids or to other people, and accept help and ask for help.

Dawn Taylor

Which is so true. Vulnerability is the strongest state.

Christina Monai

Yeah. And I wonder if there's something to be said for how society perceives vulnerability like that. Like you said, the asking for help, that's a vulnerability and I think that's still seen as weakness for a lot of people. Yeah, I don't think so much for mums, and I actually have a podcast of my own where we talked about single parents, and I am a single mom, and there's lots of stuff for single mom's programs and things like that, and single dads don't have that same community that single moms do and that was actually something I learned.

Dawn Taylor

I have an episode coming up really soon, and that's what I'm talking with single dad about. The lack of community.

Christina Monai

Yeah, 100%. And that made me sad finding that out and I never would have known that had I not gone through what I did. Because I can bet you I would not be looking into the, I don't want to say, plight. That sounds very dramatic and hyperbolic.

Dawn Taylor

I love it.

Christina Monai

The plight of single parents, right? Single mom, single dad, what's the difference? But because one of the major sources of support for me, aside from my friends and family, was a single mom organization, and I would love to give them a shout out. It's Kaleo Collective. So they operate out of St. Albert and I met the founder. I actually met her at a networking event the year within months after my divorce. And that was a turning point for me, was recognizing I am not alone. That was the biggest thing that helped me get through and honestly, I don't know where I'd be if I hadn't met her, because that organization helped me so much and the biggest thing was knowing I wasn't alone. That was the biggest thing. They offer so many good resources and supports and things like that for single moms. The founder was a single mom for the longest time. And I've met one of my best friends, two of my best friends, and actually the co-host of the podcast I'm on. We're both single moms. That's where we met. Was there so much good came from that? So, I never would have been on this journey and I wouldn't be where I am now if those things had not happened.

Dawn Taylor

Isn't that it's so interesting, right? Like, how I feel like this is a common theme that's been coming through a lot of podcasts that I've been recording over the last little bit of conversations people are having with me on actually opening up, letting people in, right? I had this beautiful moment. So when I was dealing with some health stuff a couple of years ago and I was doing medical treatments and I was there five days a week and IV therapies and all these things, and it was just insanity. And I was so sick and weak and tired and I didn't know how I was going to cope or how I was going to survive. And at one point, one of my least touchy feely male friends, not an emotional dude at all, called me. And I had just had 8 hours of IVs. I have massive needle trauma. So he knew that it was a really hard week. I was like two weeks into this. I was almost ready to go home again. And he phoned me and he's like, "Where are you?" And nobody even knew I was doing treatments, really, at that point. I was talking about on my social media, but very lightly, right? People didn't know to the level unless they were in my inner circle, really. And I said, oh. I said, "I'm just driving home from the doctor's office." And he's like, "Come over." And I was like, "What?" He's like, "Come over. You're going to lay on my couch. I'm going to cuddle you in with a blanket. You can cuddle my baby if you need to. And then I'm going to order you dinner. And you're just going to lay there and just be with people for a little bit." He's like, "And if you need me to, I'll drive you home after." And, you know, it was like this moment where I was like, "Thank you." And I could have said no. I could have thought him on it. I could have been like, "No, it's fine. I'll just go back to the hotel in order to skip the dishes or whatever I was going to do." And those moments where it's like, no, you need someone right now. You need people right now. You need to engage in community right now.

Christina Monai

Yes.

Dawn Taylor

And it was so safe. And this is one thing I want to attach to everything that you and I have been talking about today, is make sure your people are safe.

Christina Monai

Yes.

Dawn Taylor

Everybody in your world is safe. Not everybody is going to be safe to talk about divorce with. Not everyone's going to be safe to give your emotions to or to feel your feelings with. It. That is okay. It is not everyone's job. It's also not what they can do. It's also not everyone's skill set and that's okay. Like that's okay.

Christina Monai

Oh, it absolutely is. And I love that you said that, because luckily for me, everyone in my life is safe. That's something that I've actually been very intentional about since my divorce. Even before then, the people that I allow in my life, that I give my energy to are all safe people. But, I'm so glad that you said that, because not everybody has the luxury of that. And I do call it a luxury because there's lots of people who have toxic people in their lives, and it's draining for you, especially when you're going through something so intense. And it was so intense. It is such an intense process, especially when, for one of you, it wasn't expected, right? You just really get knocked off your path, and basically, you don't even feel in the same universe as the path that you were on before. Like, even now, when I think about it, I think that's, like, miles away. Miles away from where I am now.

Dawn Taylor

I feel like that's part of a grieving process, too, that people often don't think about. It's like, yes, the relationship is over?

Christina Monai

Yes.

Dawn Taylor

There's the process of grieving, like, even lost belongings or a home that has to change, and there's all these little parts and pieces. But it's also the future, right? It's the stories that we've already pre-created in our heads as to what life was supposed to look like, how things were supposed to go, all of our ideas on what life was going to be, all of that has to go through grieving.

Christina Monai

Yeah.

Dawn Taylor

Right. That's all so attached to it. So for you coming out of this, obviously, having to do the grieving, finding your support system, all of those things, what are some big key moments that you realized you were going to be okay after?

Christina Monai

Oh, that's a great question. I think it was when, it sounds very simple, but it's when I was able to go a full day without crying.

Dawn Taylor

Oh, that doesn't sound simple.

Christina Monai

That was my brain. That was and, it was the letting the letting go of that, but still honoring, you know, I don't go through moments like that anymore where I feel that, I think the sadness of it started tapering off, say, about a year or so, the sadness of it. And then it was replaced by anger. Because of the situation that I was in, it was very tough on my kids, which means that came to me to help with, right? So I would even say, starting about a year afterwards was when I started to think, "Okay, I can kind of do this. At least I think I can." You never really know when you're a parent. You just got to hope. I think I'm bringing it. I think it was my mom, kind of my mom liked to joke that she gave us just enough childhood, what did she say? And I use the term very comically here. She gave us enough childhood, quote unquote, trauma to give us something to talk about in therapy later in life.

Dawn Taylor

So funny, but so true.

Christina Monai

I will clarify. I had a very loving mom. Very loving dad, right?

Dawn Taylor

Absolutely.

Christina Monai

Oh, I remember how she put it. "You screw your kids up just enough that they have something to talk about in therapy later on in life." That's how she phrased it.

Dawn Taylor

Okay, but think about this for a sec. And I've had this conversation also a lot lately. It's like your parents are actually just 25 years ahead of you or 30 years ahead of you. There's no magical course that they take.

Christina Monai

No. And I used to think that mom and dad knew everything, and now I'm in that same place. And now you're, like, know everything. They did not.

Dawn Taylor

Oh, that is so funny.

Christina Monai

They did know some things. Let's be honest. Like, our parents do know some things, and we do learn from them, but it is bringing home to me now there are some things where I just expect my children to know, and apparently they don't. They don't know certain things. And I'm thinking, "Oh, dear, I have not taught you well." And I recognize this. The last year or two, my son still can't tie his shoes properly, and he's ten. That's just one of those things where, like, I really just haven't thought to sit down and do this over and over and over and over, because I've always just gotten him shoes with Velcro because that's the style he wanted. It didn't click to me, "Oh, you need to be able to tie a shoelace." So, now he has shoes with shoelaces at school, but I come and pick him up, and they're always undone. So, I don't know.

Dawn Taylor

I feel like this is the world's biggest business opportunity for someone. It's like an actual fundamentals checklist for new parents, like what to teach kids and at what age.

Christina Monai

Yes, I'm sure there's stuff out there, but it just didn't because especially when you are on that single parent path, you have such a high mental load because you are essentially carrying the mental load of two people. Because you have to do the work, you have to do the parenting, you have to take care of the house. Especially if your kids are younger, you can have them do some things. And it's a bit easier now because my kids are older. My daughter is 13, my son is ten. So they're able to help around the house in a more adult and helpful way. Right? But still, those little things just fall off my radar. I didn't fully teach my son to ride a bike until last year, the year before. It's a two wheeler. It's just those things that even thinking about it now, like, "Wow, that doesn't look very good on the mom report card there, Christina could you?"

Dawn Taylor

Isn't that? No. I'm laughing so hard because I have friends that were like, "I never taught my kids how to swim. It never crossed my mind. I don't like water, so I just never taught them. And now they're adults, and they don't know how to swim." I think if we just would normalize this, can we just normalize some of these things? This is actually just life.

Christina Monai

Yeah.

Dawn Taylor

So I want to bring up one last thing and I hope you're okay with me saying this. There was a moment that you were like, "Oh, my goodness, I did this." And that was the moment that you actually got approved for a mortgage on your own.

Christina Monai

Oh, my gosh. Yeah. That was amazing.

Dawn Taylor

Massive moment of, like, "I actually did this." I built my business to the point that I could actually get approved for a mortgage, that I can pay my bills, I can pay my expenses, I can take care of myself, my family. And I know that you and I did, like, a giant happy dance that day, and I was so excited for you.

Christina Monai

Yes. It was incredible. It was absolutely incredible. And it was actually a moment prior to that when I got my motorcycle, that was a key moment, too, where it was like, you kind of step into who you are. Right? And that's something that doesn't always happen for a while, and that process of stepping into who you are, because I'd always defined myself by being a wife, by being a mother, a daughter, a sister. And the last four years has actually been rediscovering me. "Who am I? Who am I outside of other people?" And it's been tough. It's been difficult. Lordy, has it been difficult. But at the end of the day. I really like who I am, and I love who I am now. And like I said, I'd go through hellfire for my kids. I go through hellfire for myself too. You're right. And I think that's been the biggest thing, is recognizing that I'm important too, and I deserve to be happy, and I deserve to discover who I am.

Dawn Taylor

Totally. Yeah, you absolutely do. So for our listeners, if you have one piece of advice for someone going through this, someone who is walking through this fire, what would you say?

Christina Monai

It's gonna be okay. You may not see it now. You may not be able to see anything but pain and grief, and you probably feel like you see no way out. And I understand that because that's where I was. But I can tell you without a shadow of a doubt that. You hold on to that inner light in you, because we all have it. We all have that light inside of us and I chose to continue to see the light, to reach out for help, to hold on to that light as hard as I could, even on the days when that darkness was so heavy. But you got to choose it. You really have to choose it. It is a conscious choice of one step in front of the other.

Dawn Taylor

It is. It's a conscious choice, it is.

Christina Monai

And I actually watched Frozen 2 recently with my daughter, and there's a song in there called The Next Right Thing. And that song we watched that movie fairly soon after my divorce, and that whole movie really spoke to me. But that song especially, because that song happened in a place of extreme darkness, and you just need to keep putting one foot in front of the other, day by day, hour by hour, sometimes second by second. Just keep moving and do the next right thing.

Dawn Taylor

Thank you. And my big piece of advice would be find your tangibles, find your celebration moments of what you're working towards so that you know, so that you actually have something that you can grab onto that you're like, "I did this." I made it a day without crying, right? Check.

I did that. Right? Almost like your checklist of proof you're going to survive. Yeah. Thank you so much. Seriously, Christina, thank you so much for hanging out with us today. And for the listeners or the viewers, if you're on YouTube, I hope that something you heard today just really sat with you different. And maybe it's a piece of judgment that you're carrying on someone else in their situation or even on yourself or the shame or the guilt or you're in the situation and not knowing how you're going to go through it. I really hope that it proves that you're not alone and that there's people out there who care. Join us again in two weeks for another amazing topic. And yes, we do have the dad side of this coming up, too. And please tell your friends, the more people that feel understood, the better. Check out the show notes located at TheTaylorWay.ca for more information and for all of the contact information for Christina and her company, Life Song Films, to get a video made. She's an incredible videographer. Subscribe now on Apple, Spotify or wherever you listen to your podcast. And if you love the show, it would mean the world if you'd leave a rating or review. Thank you so much, Christina.

Christina Monai

Thank you for having me. It was an absolute pleasure to talk with you. And thank you for giving us safe space for me to share my story. I appreciate that.

Dawn Taylor

You are so welcome. See you guys in a couple of weeks.