Dawn Taylor| 12/02/2024

Transcript

Dawn Taylor

I am your host, Dawn Taylor. And today I get to talk to an incredible woman. Her name is Tess. And what is our topic? Rest doesn't make you lazy. It does not mean you're a lazy person. So before we get started, I really want to tell you a bit about her so that you can be as excited as I am. Tess is a rock star. She's a powerhouse. She's also nuts because she's probably at a weird time of day in talking to me, but that's okay. She is a certified mindfulness coach, a somatic healer, a yoga therapist in training. She helps people heal. She also has her own podcast, The Happy Edits. It really dives into what it means to be happy and how to build a foundation for happiness through a different lens. And honestly, it all comes down to what most of us as business owners or humans or parents have done is we've all burned out. So let's dive into this topic today. Welcome to the show, Tess.

Tess Jewell-Larsen

Uh, well, thank you so much for that intro, and thank you for having me. I'm really excited to be here. 

Dawn Taylor 

You're welcome. So when you and I first met, so for people that are listening to the podcast, one of the things I do is if I don't know the guests in advance, they've just ask me on the show, we hop on a quick like 15 20 minute zoom call to like meet, connect and figure out what we would talk about, really like kind of what our topic is going to be, but also make sure that I'm okay with it for my listeners to be really honest, right? Like to make sure it's a good fit. And we had such an incredible conversation talking about burnout, talking about what rest means, and this bullshit idea that rest means you're lazy. And that there's like this weird guilt and shame attached to it. And, I mean, I experienced this every day when people find out I nap all the time or that I, you know, book Lego building into my schedule or things like that. They're like, why? Like it's so interesting. The judgment is almost like this weird condemnation slash jealousy that comes with that. And so I was so excited about this topic today. Like this is so needed. So let's start with your story. Like where did this all start? Where did this come from? How did you grow up with your beliefs around this? I'm going to let you take it from here. 

Tess Jewell-Larsen

So, uh, yeah, let's talk about the growing up part. Um, that's where it started. So I grew up with the phrase “you can sleep when you're dead.” Um, that was like the motto that my dad literally said all the time. And he got it from his dad, you know? So it's. It's been in the family for a while. Yeah, it's just very much this idea. You know, you've you've just if you stop, if you sleep, then you're lazy and you're not doing everything that you can be doing. Um, and not, you know, one side, it's not necessarily bad because, you know, it's good that you have that push and you're doing things with your life, but on the other side, it can lead to, um, not listening, what your needs actually are. And, um, in my own case, burning out, um, I was very much a product of my upbringing and just trying to do too much and also doing things not necessarily that lit me up that, you know, gave me satisfaction. I was just doing them because I kind of what I thought I had to do and, you know, have that job and provide for my family and, you know, do all those things. And, through doing that, I kind of started to disconnect from what I really wanted from things. Yeah, like I said before, like lit me up and helped me, like, cultivate my creativity. And so I was really cutting back on those things because I was doing something that I didn't enjoy. And burnout can happen if you do something that you enjoy as well. But this is just my experience. And, um, the more I was cutting out from myself, the more I stopped listening to what I needed more. I stopped listening to hey, like, it's okay to take a break, it's okay to take a nap, for example. Um, and I really stopped listening to, you know, what I wanted out of life, and I just kept doing because I thought, you know, this is what I'm supposed to be doing. And in over 

the course of several years. It was like progressively getting worse. And not that I noticed it really. At the time, I wasn't really paying attention to it. I was like, oh yeah, I'm having another panic attack. What's that? Um, or like, why am I becoming so negative? Or why aren't I, why am I not doing anything that, like, is creative anymore? Um, you know, those things I didn't notice it, right? And I didn't notice. I eventually started noticing. I think one of the first things I started noticing was like, the breakdown of my relationships. Like my marriage was not awesome. I wasn't reaching out to my friends as much. I wasn't connecting with them as much. And as I mentioned, I was having panic attacks and they were becoming more frequent. And I was like, this is weird, but not really putting the two and two together. Like, what is that equal? Um, and then in 2020, thank you. Covid, with all the other extra  additions going on globally, and in my own personal life because of, you know, effects of Covid, um, I ended up majorly injuring myself, to the point I couldn't move. 

Dawn Taylor

Oh my goodness. 

Tess Jewell-Larsen

And I mean, and when I did move, I was in so much pain. I'd like to say it was exactly that point that it was like. Yes. This is where I need to stop. It didn't, you know. 

Dawn Taylor

No it wasn't. There's always like another level of burnout. Yeah. The bottom. 

Tess Jewell-Larsen

It really got to the point where I just like, I mean, it was just, I wasn't in a good place. And I realized I was trying to do all these things, and I wasn't stopping because, you know, I was thinking, well, I have to do this for my family because my husband wasn't well. And, you know, there's lots of other things going on. And I was like, you know what? Um, I'm just going to keep pushing. I'm going to keep pushing. And then it just got to the point that I couldn't anymore, um, physically, mentally, emotionally. Um, and that is when I realized that I had to make drastic changes in my life. Um, so I sat down with my husband, and we came to the conclusion that in that moment, the best thing for me to do is to quit my job, which was terrifying. Um, and I know that's not available for everyone. In my case, I'm very fortunate to have that opportunity to be able to do that. Um, but I needed to have that complete wake up call and that complete change to be able to start like a new foundation. Um, and that doesn't have to happen for everyone. I'm putting this out there like it was, that was what I decided to do. And that was my situation. Um, but it's really been a journey since then of like, okay, how do I put myself back together? So physically, how do I get my body back? Um, how do I get to the point where I'm not, 

like in tears every time I try to move, um, where I'm not gasping for breath every time I, you know, shift. Um, and, you know, our bodies are very much connected to our mental state. So obviously, you know, part of that like that, you know, pain management had to come from my, you know, supporting myself mentally as well. And so learning how to do that as well. Um, and it's been, you know, I studied a lot, I trained a lot with some amazing people from all over the world, which was a benefit of Covid, that was then available to do that online with, with some pretty amazing teachers. And, um, yeah. So, you know, that led me to, to studying mindfulness and somatic healing and yoga therapy. Um, and it's been a fun journey because. So I quit my day job, um, started putting myself back together. I started teaching yoga. In that like I was sharing my journey, you know, like, oh, these are things I'm learning. This is how, you know, I'm supporting myself. Um, and the students coming to my classes, they were like, oh, that's really interesting. And then they started bringing that into their lives and like, hey, Tess, like that really works. That's amazing. Um, and then they would share it with their friends. And so it was this really fun ripple effect to watch, right. Like it was, like, something that I was learning that I was able to share with others. And they were then able to share it. And I was watching this growth of this little community around me, um, that was really healing themselves through the pandemic, through, you know, the different craziness that was happening in their own personal lives. Um, and I realized that that's what I wanted to do, that that was like my passion was to help be that supportive guide and resource and really to help people heal, as you mentioned at the beginning. 

Dawn Taylor

Which is so cool. So let's backtrack a little bit because I really want to dive into, like, burnout what burnout means, how to even recognize it. So, just on like the Mayo Clinic. I was doing some research on this because I have burned out so many times, and one of the things I have to tell people is like, no, you need to start watching for this, and you need to have like a red flag system for yourself on burnout because we can. I don't burn out because I'm miserable in my life. I burnout because I'm so passionate about what I do, and I'm so excited that I just want to do all the things right, and then it causes me harm, and I burn out and I crash, and it becomes this whole issue, right? And it's like, why are you burnt out again? How did you get there? And for me, honestly, it often comes, like end of the year or beginning of the year with shifts and changes and just not having capacity anymore. Right. But I was at the Mayo Clinic and it was just like burnout. Like, even just some questions, right? And it's like, are you becoming, especially around work? Are you becoming critical and cynical at work? Do you have to drag yourself to work and have trouble getting started, or are you becoming very irritable? Um, do you lack the energy to be consistently productive? And I mean, this is even at home. Right? Are your sleep habits changing or are you having unexplained headaches, stomach or bowel problems that are physical ailments? Are you finding it hard to concentrate? Are you feeling disillusioned with your life? Are you using food, drugs or alcohol to feel better or to not feel? And so many of these I see every single day in clients. We do live in the same world, right? We live in this world of people that we have a million shoulds. What we should be doing and how we should show up. And, you know, the old Pinterest wife mentality or like the perfect husband or the perfect dad, or the perfect mom or the perfect friend and the perfect everything. And I was talking to a friend yesterday and he's like, you know what I love about you? And I said, what's that? And he goes, I love that we haven't talked in weeks, and I never question that. You're still my friend. I never question that. He's like, but you're also the very first person that always is like, no. I don't want to. He's like you were so fast to, like, not go to the event. Say no to the party. Like you're just like, no, I don't want to. I don't have the capacity for that. And I said, but part of that is like when you burn out. It is so much faster to go there again. It's like you've created the pathway. And so what? The second time it's like a way easier path to follow, and the third time it gets easier, and the fourth time it gets even easier and it becomes a really slippery slope. 

Tess Jewell-Larsen

Yep. Right now it does. It does. 

Dawn Taylor

How all of a sudden you end up there again. And I know for myself, um, probably my worst burnout I've ever had, I was doing what I love. There was no question about it. But it was, you know, I always worked Monday to Saturday. I always had clients six days a week. And for years, like, I'm talking like seven years of my business. I worked at six days a week, which now I'm like, that's insane. Of course I needed more time off doing what I do, right? But then it was like a client and I was due to an emergency situation. Like I'm talking like lawyers and cops involved kind of thing, right? It was an emergency situation and the only time they could escape from their situation they were in was on Sunday. That was the only day they could get out of it to come and work with me. So of course I'm going to say yes, come, come on, a Sunday doesn't mean I stopped working Saturday. I decided on Sunday and it's right. 

Tess Jewell-Larsen

Yeah, exactly. 

Dawn Taylor

Right. And then it became one client and then a second one, and then a third one, and then a fourth one. And at one point I had gone 12 weeks without a day off. And I actually fully lost my ability to talk. I definitely had migraines. I couldn't form coherent sentences, I couldn't talk. It was about a week before Christmas. I had booked my schedule all through Christmas with no time off, and my husband is the one who actually sat me down and was like, I'm contacting your clients. We're canceling everything for the next two weeks because you can't actually do this anymore. And I was like, yeah, how did I get here? Like, how did that happen? And. I think that's the piece that people miss is that often we got there with the best of intentions.

Tess Jewell-Larsen

I think so, I think so, and like you'd say, like, you know, it can happen when you're passionate about something. It can happen when you're not passionate about something. You can get there in different ways. And it's about taking that time to be aware so that you can see what those red flags are. And if you don't know, like in my case, like I had no idea, like I didn't put the two and two together. Like this is a red flag. That's right. I mean, maybe I should have, but like panic attacks all the time. Not really a, you know, in a happy flag, right? But at the same time, it didn't, like I'd struggled when I was younger, I had struggled with anxiety and I just thought, oh, well, you know, it's just, you know, rearing up again. 

Dawn Taylor

Isn't that wild? 

Tess Jewell-Larsen

And it's, you know, but it's it's that our bodies are created in a way that we, you know, we have these experiences and we're designed to be able to, you know, kind of keep memory of that, whether it's a conscious or a subconscious memory. And so when something similar comes back, like everybody goes, oh, well, this is how I respond to it, right? Like this is how I get away. This is how I protect myself. And it's doing that because it loves you. And so it's like part of stepping on a burnout is rewiring that response so we don't go back into it. So it's not that slippery slope. And it's not an easy thing to do. It takes time. And I think so often when we go through burnout, we don't fully continue that process. So like we get to a point, we're like, oh, I'm fine. And then we go back to what we were doing before and we don't continue that work of checking in, allowing ourselves those active rest moments. You know, those moments where we just tune in to us and just be, right. And those moments are incredibly important because we have, you know, if you look at it like the nervous system. You have the sympathetic nervous system, which is designed there to be an acute response to get you out of a situation. 

And we tend to stay in that in a much longer, more sort of persistent response, which is not a good thing. And that's where that, you know, the inflammation happens. That's where the poor digestion happens. That's where the, you know, the headaches come from the, you know, maybe you have other things going on physiologically with your body, increased pain awareness, you know, things like that. Right. So it's when we're able to shift, we're able to take those moments to allow the body to down regulate into that parasympathetic response, that calm, rest, digest response, that the body goes, oh, okay, I don't have to continually stay in this hyper, you know, vigilant response. I can rest. And that is super important. That's important for our long term. So both are good. And I think, you know we have this sort of thing in our society a lot. We're like oh you know, fight flight freeze. It's not a good thing to have. No no no. It's a very good thing. Like your body loves you. That's what it's protecting you.

Dawn Taylor

It’s literally a protection mechanism.

Tess Jewell-Larsen

Yeah. And so it's like rewiring that. So we're not constantly staying there like when we're noticing, hey, I'm in that mode okay. Noticing it with awareness. Compassion. Like don't beat yourself up for being there. It's fine. You're there okay, but what can I do now to come back into a more restful state, meeting yourself at that point and taking those small steps to lead back into a more balanced, homeostasis state. 

Dawn Taylor

Oh, the conversations you and I could have on this. This is literally what I talk to clients about all the time. Right? And we do. We fight. I was saying to a client yesterday, I was like, you know, we're so busy fighting our protection mechanisms because we're so mad at them and they're making life uncomfortable or they, you know, they're not appropriate in this new moment in our lives. And I always say to people, I'm like, you can't out will, you can't willpower. You can't stubborn your way past your protection mechanism because they're literally they're designed to protect you and they're your safety mechanism in your body. And this client was like, okay, but explain. I said, it's the same reason why you can't hold your breath to commit suicide, like, or to have death by suicide, you literally can't like your body will force you to breathe. And he's like, okay, that's a very blunt way of putting it. And I said, but think about that for a second. These little protection mechanisms, you could have been in a situation where you had to duck and cover all the time, or you had to, I often see when someone was raised by an alcoholic, is they become very, very good at reading emotions and smells and sounds and tastes and everything. Right? Like they can tell by the way their parent drives into the driveway. They can tell by the sound of how they open a door. They've attached a meaning to everything, which is now this incredible protection mechanism as a child. Well that's amazing. If you stop and think about it, it's phenomenal that our bodies at the age of like three, four, five, six, like they can develop this incredible skill. The problem is that now, when you're safe and you're not living there anymore and you're outside of that, you're still reading into all of those things because this is your new way of thinking and living and breathing and sleeping like, and you do that. But we get so busy judging it that we can't sit back and be like, hey, what if I just got really curious about this? And I really looked at this in a different way, because you have to really close the loop on that. You have to close that loop of, as you know, of like, no, we have to go back there and heal that. So that you can actually move forward without needing that safety, without needing that protection mechanism again. So with your, I'm not even diving into your work because for anyone listening, you know, this is like a hard-no sales podcast, right? This is not what this is about. But also, like Tessa's info is in the notes, if you want to talk to her, in the show notes. But for you, your big signs of burnout, as you said, like you very much physically felt it. When you went back and looked at it. Were there red flags that you could see over the course of an extended period of time where it was like, oh, this is the moment I stopped doing my hair, or this is the moment that I started eating out more often, or this is the moment that I came home and didn't want to do the laundry at the end of the day, because I really just wanted to sit and veg on the couch, but my intentions behind it weren't the same. Can you look back now and see a bunch of those red flag moments? Because I think it's one thing to talk to people about, like when you hit burnout, it's a whole other to gift them like, hey, here's some red flags you could be looking at in your own world, and you could start seeing to be like, oh, maybe I'm on this pathway to burnout and I don't actually want to be. 

Tess Jewell-Larsen

Yeah, yeah. No. Definitely no. I definitely look back and go, you know, okay, this is a red flag there. And I guess I wasn't one of those was being negative. I am not a negative person. Naturally I'm a very happy go lucky. Like let's like, you know, um, let's look at the positive side of things in general, right? Yeah. Um, and, and I would shock myself how negative I was getting and how, like my response was to go in for the kill rather than to just kind of process and, think about, okay, what's going on here and then move forward. Um, and I really started noticing that first with my relationship with my husband, because 

shockingly, that didn't go very well. You know, there are lots of other things going on at the time. So, you know, I didn't fully process like what it was. But yeah, and looking back, I can say, yeah, that was a huge red flag. Um, another was like I used to, I used to write all the time, like, I loved writing and then all of a sudden I didn't. I didn't like, I didn't write in a notebook. I didn't write anything. Like I didn't want anything to do with writing. And I was like, that's weird. Like, and I started thinking about, like, I, I don't write at all anymore. Why is that? Oh, well. And then moved on. Right. But like looking back, I go, that's another huge red flag. Like I didn't, I didn't want to write. I didn't want to be creative, I didn't I, I sing a lot to myself. I didn't sing to myself at all for a really long time. And it makes me happy. So like, why wouldn't I do it? But I didn't. And actually, my husband even mentioned, like, you never sing while you're cooking anymore. What's up with that? And I was like, I don't know. Maybe I just don't want to anymore. Yeah. But, you know, so like it was, it was things like that that I was really like looking back, I go, yeah, that was a huge red flag. That was another huge red flag. Um, and, and as I mentioned, panic attacks like the fact that I was increasingly having panic attacks and I was like, the kitchen was my place to have them. I'm not really sure why, but, um, I don't know, maybe I felt supported in that area. I don't know.

Dawn Taylor

I was gonna say you were safe in there.

Tess Jewell-Larsen

I felt safe so I could release. I would just be curled up sobbing, not being able to breathe, just 

not seeing anything, you know, just really like everything, which is black and just, like, on the kitchen floor and in, like, cuddled between cabinets, yeah, really dark areas. And it was just, you know. That should have been like the biggest red flag. And yeah, and it wasn't like, you know, like looking back there. Yeah, there's so many things. But it's so like if you're listening to this and you're going, okay, like one of those things. Yeah, I connect with that like take a moment to process that. Right. Like, you know, maybe it means something else, but also maybe it means that you're, you know, you need to start listening. Maybe you're feeling, you know, you are disconnected from self. Do you notice if you're hungry? Like that's something that's important as well. Like for that introspection. Like do you notice you're hungry. Do you notice your thirsty right. Do you, do you notice those other bodily-like functions that we should be, you know, really obvious to like? Do you notice you have to pee or are you, like, bursting to pee by the time you finally, like, realize it? You know, like this is important too, because when we start disconnecting from those, you know, those mental things, we're also disconnecting from physical. And so when we start to bring that awareness back little by little, little by little, right. It's not like all of a sudden everything turns on and it shouldn't. We need to stay within our window of tolerance. Um, because then it gets messy. But like, you know, it's, it's little by little becoming aware of these things. You know, it's noticing  these patterns that we're holding in our body. And then 

once we start noticing them, that's when we're able to say, oh, okay. What is something that I can do to pause that? What's something that I can do to start to shift it slightly to then have, you know, that navigation go a different way?

Dawn Taylor

You know what? I often do an exercise with clients where, and I do it for myself because my burnout there were very, I have very, very specific things that are very tiny things. But there are my red flags. They are my biggest red flags. And one of the things that I do is I tell people around me about these red flags. I'd be like, hey, if you do this, ask how I'm doing. If you see me doing this action or not doing this thing, I need you to say, how are you doing? And yeah, one of the things and this could be an exercise even for someone, this thing is like, I have a list of like, from the minute I wake up, like the time I wake up all the way through, do I go to sleep? I write like when life is amazing and I'm thriving. What does it look like? What time am I getting up in the morning? Am I wearing clothes right? Am I showing up to my work meetings in pajama bottoms with a nice top? Or am I actually like putting on pants? Right? Pants is a big one. Like am I putting on pants is a weird one for me, right? Am I wearing mascara? Am I putting, doing my hair and makeup? Am I remembering to shower at least every other day? Am I right? What am I eating for breakfast? Am I drinking coffee? What am I listening to? What am I reading? What am I watching like, am I eating? What am I? My regular routines of dietary stuff that I know makes me feel amazing. And I go through this giant list of stuff. Right. And then I compare it. There's three columns to column one is that, column three is like when things are at their worst, what am I doing? Yeah, right. So if it says it's best, I'm waking up at 630 or 7. When it's at its worst, I'm getting out of bed at 830 or 9. Right. Okay. Well, there's a big gap in between those two because we don't go from like, amazing to burnout overnight. There are a thousand tiny steps that got us there. And on that journey there are so many red flags. Right. And so what I do for myself is then go, okay, so now I'm listening to like, music every morning here. I'm listening to like, a crime podcast. Okay, here I am, you know, doing my hair and makeup every day and stuff. Fancy. If you've ever met me, you know that I'm very, very minimal. I'm like mascara and I fill in my eyebrows and that's about it, right? But, like, if I'm not even doing that. Right, like what's going on? And it's interesting because I started to pay attention. And hilariously, some of my big ones are the first one ever to go for me is my kitchen. My kitchen becomes messy and at the end of the day, I don't clean it because I am not obsessive. Because that's not the word for it. I'm very habitual. Like I make sure every single night the kitchen's clean in the morning. Like everyone in my house knows this. Like, the first person to make coffee empties the dishwasher while they're making coffee, because then it just keeps this, like pattern going and our kitchen never becomes a disaster. So if you ever come into my house and my kitchen's a mess. I'm feeling overwhelmed. Something's going on and it's a one degree shift. It's a one degree shift off my normal pattern. But weirdly, some of my other ones and some of my biggest are, if I stop wearing earrings or if I stop wearing mascara. Those are two of the ones that go really, really fast. And then it goes like, this. Sleeping in in the morning and then it starts to spiral from there. But they're like this simple, simple thing. And I've had friends like middle of the year where we're like on a zoom call and they're like, get close to the camera. Are you wearing mascara? Because they can tell I'm not. And they're like, what's going on? Because I have allowed and this is a vulnerability piece like I've allowed other people into my life that go, no, you've requested us to call you on this. If we see this action or this behavior. Yeah, like I had a friend come over. It was about a year ago, and she's like, okay, kitchen, earrings and mascara. We need to talk because she's like, what is going on with you? Right? And it was just like, I was really struggling for a few days. I was dealing with some health stuff and I was just having a really rough week. But for me, if I don't catch those fast enough, I can spiral really hard, really fast. And so I would challenge people to do that. And that middle column is your red flag. So that's like, okay, I didn't wear mascara for a day, or it's like, no, it's a weekend and I don't feel like it. That's fine. But on Monday morning, did I put it on again? Yeah. And that's your awareness column. That's your awareness column of like when I hit this wake up time, if I look at my alarms on my phone and I'm at this time consistently, I need to just be aware of this and see what's going on. Right. And that's often where I recommend someone starts when they're feeling like they're like, how did I end up here again? And I'm like, well, because you don't know what your flags are to get like, to stop you. Right? And figuring that out. So then with that. Rest does not mean we're lazy. Let's jump back to that topic of like, okay, now you've burnt out, now you have figured this out. Good luck slowing down because the people around you are going to judge you. And really stupid meaning to things that should not have meaning. So talk to me about that topic because you were. You would recommend that as the title is like rest does not mean you're lazy.

Tess Jewell-Larsen

Yeah. So, I mean, I think this leads into that, right. Like I think so often, those points where we have those red flags is because we're not taking the time for yourself that we need. And, you know, that can show up in different ways, like you're saying, maybe putting on makeup in the morning, you know, maybe you don't for several days in a row. Why? Is it because it's a weekend and it's fine. It's not that big of a deal? Or is it just because you can't do it because you just don't have the energy for it, right? So it's like that. It's, in my opinion, it's always about coming back to that awareness and saying, okay, so how am I feeling right now? And rest can look different. It doesn't have to always look the same. And I think this is a really important thing. I think when people hear rest you're like, oh, well, that means that I need to like, take a nap or I need to just do nothing. Or maybe, maybe that's exactly what you need, but maybe your rest is not paying attention to your work and you go for a walk. Maybe your rest is meeting up with a friend because you haven't met up with a friend for a really long time. So it's about really checking in with yourself and asking, what do I need? What am I not giving back to myself right now? Um, and, and meeting yourself where you are. Because I think if, you know, if we're, like, really high up here and we're, like, all over the place going straight for that, like that low key moment is probably going to be really jarring to your system. So taking that time to meet your system, yes, where it is, and take those small steps to come back into that more balanced state, that more restful state. And so it is really about that, you know, and I think that your exercise is great. Like having those, those things, you know, you have those three columns in your list. And I think I would I would personally add to that like a because, you know, maybe more of my background is, you know, very physical with yoga and, and that but like somatic healing but like, how am I feeling like when I am doing these things, how am I feeling in the body? Like, do I feel open and spacious? Do I stand straight? Do I, you know, in the good column, right. Like, you know what? What is happening in my body? Do I have good bowel movements? You know, you know, like all looking at all of these different things, right? How am I feeling? And then it's, you know, okay, when I'm in these, like in the, the lower states and I'm like in your example, you know, uh, you your kitchen is really dirty. Okay. When I walk into that kitchen, how am I feeling? Like how am I holding my body? Am I like turning in, am I, you know, feeling like my abdomen is crunching? Do I feel tight in my chest? You know, like noticing these feelings in the body? Okay. Where can I make that shift? How can I start bringing that spaciousness back into my body? Maybe cleaning the kitchen will be a benefit. So maybe that is my rest moment. Maybe my rest is like taking that time to clean part of the kitchen. Maybe not even the whole thing. Maybe just washing whatever is in the sink and not on the counter. Right? 

Dawn Taylor

Or, you know, putting 15 minutes at a timer. 

Tess Jewell-Larsen

Yeah. Set a timer. Exactly, exactly. And it's, it's about these little tiny things that we can do for ourselves. And I think so often, you know, when we go, especially when we're in that burnout state, like we feel like we have to do, as you mentioned, I should do this, I should do that, I should do this, I should do that. And we have a list a mile long of things that we should be doing. And then we beat ourselves up about it because we don't get it done. And then when we go into, well, I need to heal, I need to recover, I need to step out of this burnout. Well, I should be doing all of these things to heal and to recover. 

Dawn Taylor

Gosh, that list is just as big as the list that got us there in the first place. I always laugh so hard at that where it's like, yes, well, now you have to journal and you have to go for a walk every day and you have to meditate and you have to this and you have to that. And I'm like, that's just actually more tasks on your to do list. 

Tess Jewell-Larsen

Exactly. 

Dawn Taylor

Like what actually motivates you? What fuels you, what fills you up, what causes you to have rest, but also with that like sometimes rested thing? No. And just not. Sometimes rest is simplifying a meal. Sometimes rest is scheduling a nap into your day every day so that you recharge sometimes. Yeah, rest is actually having a bubble bath, but sometimes rest means we need to go see a doctor, sometimes rest as we need to actually supplement our bodies. Because burnout has hit so hard, we've literally drained our body and shot our adrenals and we need outside support. Like, I think there's this fallacy of like, because so many people believe our actions equal our worth. Yes, because of where we were raised, because of what our parents were like. Because. And they did the best they could, honestly. Like they just learned from their own parents. But because of that, there are these obligations constantly. But then, like we were also raised with “sleep when you're dead.” Right? 

Tess Jewell-Larsen

Yeah. 

Dawn Taylor

But yeah, like I was talking to somebody about Christmas this year. And depending on when you're listening to this, it either has just passed or it's coming up, but we were talking about Christmas and they're like, oh, it's just so exhausting. And I was like, only because you make it exhausting. And she kind of gave me this look and we were just having a coffee connection date kind of thing. And I said, I'm not stressed out about Christmas at all. And she's like, what do you mean? She's like the presence and the decorating and the food and the blah, blah blah. And I was like. Yes, but what if that is actually what your people want and need and love and thrive on? And what if that is what you should do? Because that's what they're doing in a hallmark movie. Or how you were raised. And that's what you have to do, right? I think that it. A huge piece of this is number one. Take a damn nap if you need it, right? Find time to eat a healthy meal. It doesn't have to be fancy. Some of my healthiest meals are when I'm feeling overwhelmed or I have too much on my plate because I live on salads with rotisserie chicken and some other veggies thrown in. And I just. And I'm like, good to go with these, like super quick easy meals. That's okay. Sometimes it's saying no I'm not going to make a full turkey dinner because that actually is really time consuming and I don't want to stress out about it. And I don't want to financially, mentally, emotionally, physically, spiritually, financially stressed out over Christmas this year. Yeah. Hey, what if we just don't? 

Tess Jewell-Larsen

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're saying that, um, this year. So I live in Spain for listeners. Um, I'm, I'm originally from Oregon, but I live in Spain, and I've been here for like almost 15 years now. And usually every year we have some sort of Thanksgiving, Friendsgiving meal, and I, you know, spend a lot of time cooking. And we all also have friends bring dishes from different countries because we have a wonderful community of friends from all over the world. And, um, it's really fun. But this year I just did not have the capacity for it. And we were talking about  it, my husband and I, and I was like, I just can't. And I feel super guilty because I know people are expecting this and people have asked about it, but I can't right now. I have so much going on and I just don't have the capacity to spend all that time cooking. And so he was like, so let's just go out for a meal, like, let's just go out for lunch. Then, like, that's not a big deal. People can join, they can join. And if they can't, they can't. Yeah. I was like, can we do that?  It's like, of course we can do that, you know? And it's like, I'm in this role that I, you know, constantly am like coaching other people about these things. And I was like, you know, I have like people expect this of me. And it's like, oh yeah. Like it's not that big of a deal. The whole point of this, you know, getting together is to be together. It's not about my cooking. It's not about, you know, all these other things that I'm putting on myself. So I think it's, you're exactly right. You know, it's about sort of noticing, like what is true in the situation. You know, what is valid there and what are we adding extra that we don't need to. And how can we reach out to our support system to support us? So if you know what is true in that situation is you need a nap, please go take a nap. If you need to take two minutes to do a little like progressive relaxation and release the tension out of the body or shake it out, right? Do that. Do it. The fight flight freeze response that's stuck in your body. Let it out so that that calm, rest, digest response can pick up and say, actually yeah. And so rest doesn't always have to look like one thing. And it's like you're saying, you know, it's so important that we really meet ourselves where we are and take those steps from that point. And it's not about adding more. It's not about doing all of these different things. It's about that one tiny step, that one tiny shift that we can make that makes all the difference moving forward. 

Dawn Taylor

Well and preventative maintenance. I remember hearing a speaker years ago that was talking about the fact that he booked his time off and his calendar before anything else when he did his goals. And it was like, no, my time off goes first. Like downtime, vacation time, whatever goes first. Then it's my time with my family. Because I need number one to fulfill number two. And he worked his way down his list. And I'm not saying this in a way of oh my goodness, but I work 8 to 8 hours a day or ten hours a day or 12 hours a day, and I can't book that in and I can't this and I can't that. Yeah. You can't. It's saying, no, I'm not going to go to family houses every single weekend of every single month of every single year. I'm not going to go to every single party. I'm not going to do every single activity. I'm not like, it's finding it outside of it. Maybe it's even on your lunch hour. Instead of scrolling your phone or working through your lunch hour, sometimes you actually just go for a walk or you just go out into nature. If there's anything nearby, like a tree, like whatever it is that you can do. I know right? 

Tess Jewell-Larsen

Pugs are great, they're amazing, and trees are good too.

Dawn Taylor

But it's finding those little beautiful bits of time. I was talking to a friend last weekend. We were hanging out of town together, and we were laughing because, like, we were having a lot of conversations on, like, work and life and business and all of these things. And she's like, oh my gosh, so many events in December. And I thought about it after and I was talking to my husband and I said I had this weird moment of like, I don't have any events in December. And he's like, no, because everyone in your life knows you're gonna say no. So they just stopped inviting you years ago. And I started laughing and I was like, does that make me a horrible person? And he's like, no. He's like, but you actually get to enjoy December every year and you're not burnt out by the time Christmas comes because you haven't done all the things. Mhm. And so I was laughing about it because then like his staff Christmas party next week and ye,s we're recording this end of November and you know his staff party is next week. And then the week after, you know one of his old co-workers who owns a company invited us to his staff Christmas party because he really wanted us there. And it wasn't even like a given that we would go like, he's like, if you want to, you are invited. Like, I'd love you there, but. Right. And my husband was like, are you busy on this day? Would you be open to going? Because, you know, it's like I am the first person to be like, no, nope. I'm good. Right? Yeah. And I challenge everybody listening to this. I challenge every single person to look at your calendar. And take out 1 to 2 things a week. Knock them out. Take them out 1 or 2 things a week and find 1 or 2 things that you can add in that are like your preventative maintenance. 

Tess Jewell-Larsen

Mhm. 

Dawn Taylor

To stop you from burning out, what are your 1 to 2 things of rest? Is it sitting in your car while you listen to your favorite song every day in your driveway or in your garage before you go in? Is that your moment of rest? Is that when you come home from work? Is it going? And just like laying down for ten minutes and having a power nap for ten minutes to breathe? Is it waking up half an hour earlier in the morning to, like, sit and just have a moment while you sip your coffee? Yeah, all of these little moments add up. So for our listeners, is there anything else that you want to add, or are there just like a few quick tips that you could give people?

Tess Jewell-Larsen

I think my tip would be and it's what we're talking about. But I think my tip would be. Take that time to really be mindful of what is going on. So at one point every day it can be. Any time of the day, right? See what works for you. It could be in the morning. Could be the afternoon. Could be in the evening. You could put this as something I tell my clients, like put a sticker on the back of your phone as a reminder. Right. And take that moment to check in. Ask yourself, how am I doing? How am I doing physically? So noticing, like, do I have any aches or pains? Do I have any tension anywhere? Um, do I feel open? Do I feel at ease? Right. Just whatever comes up, just acknowledge it. No judgment. Just notice what's going on mentally for me. How am I feeling mentally? Same. No judgment. Just noticing. How am I feeling emotionally? Once again, no judgment. Just noticing it. How am I feeling spiritually? And I don't necessarily mean spiritual as in divine. I mean spiritual as and like connection. Do I feel connected to self? Do I feel connected to the world around me, to my partner, to my community? Whoever? Right to nature. Check in with those four things. And then ask yourself, is there one thing that I can do for myself today?What's that? One thing. And it doesn't have to be a lot of time. Ten minutes. What's that one thing that I can do to get back to myself today? 

Dawn Taylor

Love it. How can I love on myself even more today? 

Tess Jewell-Larsen

Yeah. 

Dawn Taylor

We're so busy loving on everybody else. So sometimes we need to take a moment and just love on ourselves. Definitely, definitely. Right. And I think we're so busy setting New Year's resolutions and we're so busy setting new goals, the new everything. And prior to recording today, I told you that I just, like, shut down like two whole sections of my company. I walked away from them and was like, nope, that's not what I want to be doing. That's not how I want to be serving. That's not how I want to be working with people. The one on one trauma is my jam like that, and some corporate like that is my jam, and I'm going to just stay in my lane. And it was interesting because part of that came from a few different conversations over the last few weeks, but also my husband looking at me and going, when is enough, enough? Like, what is the driver behind all of this? He said. Because it's never been about money. He's like, but what is the driver behind all of this? To do all the things all of the time. Like at what point have you earned your rest? At what point have you, you know, and, it was the most incredible conversation. Anyone who knows my husband is laughing because he's a man of few words, but mass wisdom. Right. He's very shy, he's very introverted, but he also has a wicked sense of humor. But he is also the guy that all of a sudden will say something and you're like, oh, I needed to hear that and listen to that.

Tess Jewell-Larsen

Yes, yes. 

Dawn Taylor

Right. And that was part of his thing. He's like. He's like, you're not loving those. They're not working for you anymore. And he's like, but also like, why? Like what is making you do that? And it just is amazing how making the decision was so powerful. And going back to the word that you use, like the guilt that we feel for things. I challenge people to look at like, what is your expectation that you have on yourself? And is it yours or is it somebody else's? 

Tess Jewell-Larsen

Oh yes. 

Dawn Taylor

So if you have an expectation of yourself, of how hard you have to work, or when you have to work, or how busy you have to be, or the fact that you can't sleep till you're dead. Because guys, by the way, your body will find a way to get a nap. Whether you give it one or yes.

Tess Jewell-Larsen

Sleep is important. 

Dawn Taylor

Your body will find a way to slow you down if you need it. Right. Whether you get a cold or a flu or you get sick or you get panic attacks or whatever it is like, your body will create safety for you in that way. So it's way more beneficial if you do it yourself first. Mhm. Right. But really look at those. Right. But look at those expectations and be like is this my expectation of me or is this somebody else's expectation of me? And if this is someone else's. Do I want to meet this? Is this something that's actually important? Something I need to be doing for myself? Or is it because I'm scared of disappointing them? Problem number one. But then the second is like, if this is my expectation of myself. Where did this come from? Right. Where did this come from? What happened in my life that a situation happened, that I created a new standard for myself, that I then had to create expectations in myself and really take a look at that and go, is this still appropriate in my life today? Does this still match my circumstances today? And that's a really easy way to start to see those things for yourself and go, no, you know what? I had a standard for how I kept my house, or I had a standard for how I kept my physical appearance, or I had a standard for how much it worked. But it was based on my life. Pre kid's pre-health condition pre age pre-menopause pre whatever it is. 

Tess Jewell-Larsen

Mhm. 

Dawn Taylor

Right. And that was a beautiful standard that I set for myself at that point. But maybe it's time to shift and pivot that a little bit, because my new circumstances don't actually match up anymore. 

Tess-Jewell Larsen

Yeah, and that's okay. Right? It's okay to shift those things. It's okay to. Right. As I've said, you know, meet yourself where you are. That's fine. There's nothing wrong with that. And I think 

when, when we take that time to kind of forgive ourselves for, for buying into those ideas that like, oh, I have to do this, I have to do that, whether it's right, someone else's opinion or our own and, you know, forgive yourself. It's okay. Meet yourself with grace. 

Dawn Taylor

No judgment, just curiosity. The line I use probably 100 times a day with people. Thank you, thank you, thank you, Tess, thank you for hanging out with us today. Thank you for being on the show and sharing your amazing, beautiful wisdom with us in all of these areas. I hope that for someone listening today that if nothing else, you got given permission to go have the nap. Permission to, like, take that five minutes to yourself in the bathroom. Take the ten minutes to have a hot bath if you need to at the end of the day, but also to say no, and to realize that, like, the preventative maintenance, the maintenance of this is huge. Please, please, please join us again in two weeks for another fun topic or hard topic. And tell your friends the more people that feel misunderstood, seen and heard, the better. Check out the show notes located at TheTaylorWay.ca. We're going to have all of this information so you can reach out to her if you're looking for any support in any way. And also to follow on her journey when she lives in Spain, which is one of my favorite places in the world. Subscribe now on Apple, Spotify, or wherever you listen your podcast. And if you love the show, please, please leave a rating and review. Thank you, Tess. 

Tess Jewell-Larsen

Thank you.