The Love-Hate Relationship with Our Parents
May can be an interesting month in my head and heart. My best friend of 30 years walked away 12 years ago! Happy birthday Dad. My parent's wedding anniversary. My wedding anniversary. My husband's birthday!! So many emotions that sometimes I feel like I am on a roller coaster. While this month holds so much good: see the picture below!! It also is a month of tears and sadness. Let's dive in.
According to the Oxford Dictionary:
● Love: an intense feeling of deep affection.
● Hate: intense or passionate dislike.
2 very different but connected feelings!!! So what makes us feel like we are only allowed to feel one and not the other? Or that they are not connected in some way. Let's talk about something real: the love-hate relationship many of us have with our parents. It's like riding an emotional rollercoaster, with ups of affection and downs of frustration. It's messy, it's complicated, but it's oh-so-human. What makes it even harder? When they are no longer in your life.
Ever felt a rush of warmth towards your mom or dad, only to be followed by a wave of irritation? That's the love-hate cocktail at work. Maybe it's because of old stuff from childhood, clashes in personalities, or just because they did something that really hurt you. Whatever the reason, it's normal. Although they did their best with the skills they had, it does not negate the impact that the relationship had on you.
Navigating these conflicting feelings can be tough. On one hand, there's that deep-rooted love and longing for connection. On the other, the anger and resentment is bubbling up. It's like having a tug-of-war inside your heart, and it can mess with your head big time.
This rollercoaster ride isn't just thrilling; it can also mess with your mental health. Bottling up your emotions can lead to anxiety and depression while letting them out might bring on a heap of guilt. It's a fine line to walk, and it can take a toll on your well-being. You HAVE TO FEEL THE FEELS!!!! Even if they are uncomfortable.
So, how do you navigate this emotional minefield? First off, give yourself a break. It's okay to feel conflicted. Talking it out with a friend or therapist can help you untangle your feelings and figure out your next steps. Setting boundaries and managing expectations can also keep the peace and protect your sanity. We also need to learn how to grieve. How to process emotions. How to release the hurt and embrace the good. One thing I did? I re-did a childhood album with just the good photos and memories. I have also raged about the hurt! We have to process them both.
Loving and hating your parents at the same time is messy, but it's also part of being human. Embrace the ups and downs, lean into your feelings (all of them!!!), and remember that you're not alone on this rollercoaster ride. With a little guidance, some grace (more for yourself than anyone!) and maybe a rage room, you too can get through this grieving of what could/should have been and settle into the new normal of your relationship.
