5 Biggest Tips to Stay HAPPILY Married
Dawn Taylor • December 10, 2024
“Mawwiage is what bwings us together today. Mawwiage, that bwessed awwangement, that dweam within a dweam. And wuv, true wuv, will follow you forever, so tweasure your wuv”. -
Princess Bride
SO how do you stay married WITHOUT hating it? Did you know I work with couples as well? A few things I have witnessed over the last decade, including my marriage, that have proven effective are as follows:
- TALKING: You need to know how to talk. How to communicate. How to be vulnerable. How to not jump to the defensive. This takes practice. This takes tools. But this is probably the BIGGEST AND MOST IMPORTANT thing you can master in any relationship.
- SPACE: Give the other person space!!! Co-dependent relationships are never super healthy. Mr Taylor and I realized years ago that while we LOVE to be together, we also thrive being apart. I don’t mean living in separate houses (I can’t imagine and yes people do this!!) It means that often I am downstairs playing Lego and watching a movie and he is upstairs 3D printing or gaming with a nephew or sibling. And that is ok. We pause and check in often but we give each other space to have our interests and hobbies knowing that by choosing it we aren’t rejecting each other. I also travel without him! Go grocery shopping without him! This is not out of avoiding him (that is very different) But it is out of knowing that we are safe and comfortable in our marriage and being away from him will not kill either of us.
- FIGHTING: Learn to fight. It is going to happen so how are you going to do it? Learn your fighting style, your forgiveness style, and your apology language (https://5lovelanguages.com/quizzes/apology-language) and talk these through PRIOR to a fight. Not during. While Mr Taylor might want to just fight it out in the moment, I need to walk away and process for a bit. While I need words as an apology, he needs actions. I get cold and logistical in fighting and he gets loud. None of these are right or wrong, good or bad, they just are. Learn them so you understand the other person
- KNOW WHAT YOU ARE FIGHTING FOR: Are you so disconnected from your partner you are not sure what you are fighting for? That. Is. A. Problem. If you are just talking to friends and not them, not sharing your wins and losses, pushing them away due to past hurt, you need support. Find a coach, or a therapist or sit down and hash it out together. Create an action plan on what your goals are in the relationship and remind yourself why you loved and chose them in the first place. The grass is always greener on the side you fertilize. Don’t think that leaving is going to magically make a new relationship perfect. You have to fight for it. But you need to remind yourself what you are fighting for!
- CREATE A MOTTO: In a healthy relationship, you fight to get to the back of the line. We have a saying in our marriage “How can I love you even more right now”. This is what has Mr Taylor bringing me coffee in bed most days, this is what has me driving HOURS to do his laundry or bring him goods when out of town working. This is what takes so much selfishness out of our marriage but also what connects us. We BOTH try to go above and beyond for the other person. Because they are ours. We chose them. We love them. And we sure as hell don’t ever want to date again. The last time we dated was 1996. Holding hands walking the hallways of a high school. I can’t imagine trying it again. So I will fight.
If you need support reach out. While I may not be the right person for you, I will help you find the right one. Marriage is amazing. Relationships are amazing. But they do take some work.
Life doesn't come with a manual, especially when you're navigating trauma. But one thing I've learned is the importance of embracing the "fight mentality." It's about facing challenges head-on, refusing to be a victim, and choosing to fight for your healing and happiness. This mindset was crucial when I decided to take control of my recovery and not let my past define me.
“What if they don’t like the new me?"
Ok... I know this is a statement that may make you mad, but stay with me.
Love is powerful, but it doesn’t work the same way for everyone. At its core, love tends to show up in three main ways: 1. Like Water There is always enough. You don’t run out. You can pour it into as many cups as you want or keep it all to yourself—but you control the flow. Some people get a full glass, some get a sip, and some don’t get any at all. But the source? Endless. 2. Limited Supply Think of love like pieces of paper. You only have a few. If you’ve given them all away and someone new comes into your life needing one, you can’t create more—you have to take from someone else. This kind of love feels scarce. It can create jealousy, competition, or the belief that if you love them, you can’t also love me. 3. Transactional This is love as a trade. A transaction. “I love you if…” or “If you don’t, I’ll take my love away.” Many of us grew up in this kind of love—where love had to be earned. Good grades? Love. Messed up? Love withdrawn. Hello to my fellow ‘80s and earlier babies—I see you.
Oh planning… let’s go.
Ah, winter! That magical time when hot chocolate is more than a drink; it’s a survival tool.
