Breaking the Chains of Guilt
Guilt. A feeling I never imagined would be associated with sexual trauma. "I laid there awake and terrified all night. I was numb. First thing in the morning, I heard my dad go into the bathroom across the hallway. I ran as hard as I could and shut the door. I huddled on the floor against the door, crying, and told him everything. To this day, I don't understand his reaction. He was calm. He didn't say anything. He took me to my room while I got dressed. Then we went to breakfast, where I had to sit beside Uncle B. We posed for pictures on the front steps and then my family left his house. I remember going quiet at this point. My parents were arguing about what happened. Dad had made me tell my mom what happened, and she didn't believe me. Something broke in me that day" ~ excerpt from my book P.S. I Made It. If you would like to read the whole story you can get your copy HERE.
So where you ask did the guilt come in? It came in so many small ways. Guilt at the fighting that started in the family. Guilt at the pain I caused everyone else. Guilt at the financial strain due to my mental health later on in life. Guilt for the ways the trauma affected my marriage. Guilt for believing I could stop him but not being able to. Guilt for how it changed my family. Guilt for how it affected my friendships. Guilt for how it changed the relationships between my dad and his family. SO. MUCH. GUILT.
I worked for years to heal all of this guilt and the reason I write this to you today? According to the Oxford Dictionary, the definition of guilt is the following: "GUILT: the fact of having committed a specified or implied offence or crime" and from what I know? NO one who has been victimized has committed the offence or crime. I realize now that it was not my fault. ANY of it. But many of us are left feeling it is.
I am living proof there is a pathway to healing if you are struggling with this, please reach out. To me, to someone else, just reach out. I promise you can find release from the guilt.
